Series 5, Episode 7, Broadcast 9 November 1954 Lurgi Strikes Britain Wallace: This is the BBC GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION Peter: And it used to be so popular. Well, here it is - Harry: The Goon Show GRAMS: ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE, CHEERING, WHISTLING Harry: Stop! (stops immediately) Ah-ha-ha. Mr. Greenslade? Do your duty, laddy Wallace: Yes, sir. The story that follows is rather complicated. So to avoid complication we open with Act III Scene I Part II, the same afternoon, enter a human being Neddy: My name is Ned Seagoon GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION Neddy: Curse. As I was saying, I am a doctor. I used to have a practice in Harley Street, but the police moved me on. One morning in May, I was going through an old dustbin, when my valet announced a visitor Peter: Pardon me, sir. There is a visitor to see you. Neddy: Right, heads down. Put my lunch back in the dustbin and send him in Peter: This way, sir Moriarty: Ahhh, my dear Dr. Seagoon. Allow me, my card Neddy: My card Peter: My card Moriarty: Snap! And now, my friend, to business. My name is Count Moriarty. Have you ever heard of lurgi? Neddy: There's no one of that name here Moriarty: Ah Christi Pompet! Listen to me while I tell you a tale. In 1296 on the Isle of Ewe Needy: Where? Moriarty: Isle of Ewe Neddy: I love you, too. Shall we dance? Moriarty: I don't wish to know that. On the Isle of Ewe the dreaded lurgi struck. In six weeks, in cinq weeks mark you, lurgi had destroyed the entire population. Lurgi could easily destroy the entire human race. Eccles: Then I'm okay, fellows Neddy: Count Moriarty, why are you telling me all this? Moriarty: Why? Yesterday, lurgi claimed its first victim in Britain. Neddy: Ha-Ha. You jest Moriarty: I jest what? Neddy: You just said that lurgi just claimed its first victim in Britain Moriarty: Sacre-bleu, sacre-bleu! How can you joke when lurgi threatens? Sit down while I tell you a tale. Last night, my dear Seagoon, I was a passenger on a bus in Oldham Neddy: You reckless continental, you! Moriarty: Touchˇ. The bus was passing the Oldham Fire Station, all as normal (fading out) ORCHESTRA: LINK MUSIC Harry: Any more fares, please, Family Park next stop. Any more? Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Peter: (old woman) What to do with him? Harry: Hold tight, please, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo, Yakka Boo Spike: Here, loosen his collar Harry: What's the matter with you lot? Take your hands off me! Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Peter: Stop the bus! Harry: Don't you stop this - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo Spike: Give him air! Peter: Stand back now! Harry: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo (fading out) Moriarty: Not a pretty sight! Neddy: Good Heavens! What happened then? Moriarty: The unfortunate bus conductor was taken to the Olham Royal Infirmary Neddy: And then? Moriarty: And then...well, listen ORCHESTRA: HARP MUSIC FOLLOWED BY DRAMATIC CHORD Harry: Doctor, I tell you, I'm all right, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo - I can't see what you're bothered about at all see - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka- Boo Peter: (doctor) Yes, yes, yes. Now breathe in (Harry inhales) and breathe out - Harry: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Peter: Must you? Now breathe in again Harry: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Peter: Please, I must ask you to reeeea - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Harry: Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Yakka-Boo Spike: (nurse) Now what is it, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Peter, Harry and Spike go "Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo" as they fade out Moriarty: (fading in) And that is my tale Seagoon. In six weeks Britain could be destroyed by lurgi and that includes you! GRAMS: WHOOSH, FOLLOWED BY CLOSING DUSTBIN LID Moriarty: Come out of that dustbin, Seagoon! Neddy: (from within the bin) I'm watching television! Moriarty: Come out! FX: DUSTBIN LID BEING LIFTED NOISILY Neddy: Oh please, please, I...I don't know anything about lurgi Moriarty: Supristi! I will tell you all about lurgi Neddy: Then you cure it Moriarty: I am not a doctor. No. You must be the one. You, and you alone, will go down in history. Think: Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie, and now you! Neddy: I agree. But what's lurgi got to do with me, Pasteur, and the other painters? Moriarty: Sacre-Fred. Here, read this article. FX: PAPER BEING RUSTLED Neddy: "Will any doctor with knowledge of lurgi please communicate with Dr. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne"! Moriarty: Well? What are you waiting for? With his help you will be the man to save the nation from the dreaded lurgi. Neddy: Yes, but I - Moriarty: A Knighthood, position, riches - Money! GRAMS: WHOOSH AND DOOR CLOSES FX: PICK UP PHONE, DIALS Moriarty: (singing) Niem sonatadi en Paris! (speaking) Hello? Ah, Dr, Grytpype-Thynne? Ah, listen, Grytpype. Moriarty here. Yes. He's justleft, he's on his way to you now. Yes. (laughs) Yes. Until he arrives here's Max Geldray MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA PLAY "PINK CHAMPAGNE" ORCHESTRA: HARP MUSIC CREATING MYSTIC EFFECT FX: KNOCKING ON DOOR Grytpype: Come in! FX: DOOR OPENED Neddy: Dr. Grytpype-Thynne? Grytpype: The same Neddy: My name is Ned Seagoon GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION Grytpype: Upsy-daisy! Now, what can I do for you? Neddy: I've come to help fight lurgi. First Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie and now me! Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you. Now what are your qualifications? Neddy: I was struck off the Rolls twice Grytpype: You can only be struck off the Rolls once Neddy: That'll give you some idea of my importance. Grytpype: Then your our man. The situation is extremely grave. In the last 12 hours 2,000 more victims have been smitten by lurgi. Neddy: (gulps) We must move fast Grytpype: What do you suggest? Neddy: South America? Grytpype: No, no, no. You are the one man who can save Britain Neddy: Yes. First Lewis Carol, Madame Tussaud and now me! Grytpype: Now, Seagoon, let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to meet the Medical Council. Once there - Neddy: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes? Grytpype: Please don't do that Neddy: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po Grytpype: Good. I'll tell you a tale. At the moment lurgi is confined to Oldham. Now here's what you must tell the Medical Council: All the lurgi victims must be sent to Blackpool Neddy: One moment, Dr. Grytpype. If you know the cure for lurgi why don't you have the Knighthood and the riches? Grytpype: I can't. You see, I'm married Neddy: Oh, I'm terribly sorry Moriarty: Come Seagoon, off to the Council Medical ORCHESTRA: LINK MUSIC Everyone: talking among themselves Peter: (Jewish Businessman) Ladies and Gentlemen! Ladies and Gentlemen of the British Medical Council! Now then, I've got you out of bed because I want you to hear about this lurgi lark, what their all doing their nut about in Lancashire. Here's the speaker, Dr, err - Neddy: Seagoon. Ned Seagoon. GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION Peter: My life, he's always doing that! Carry on, nut Neddy: Ladies and Gentlemen, before I start are there any further questions? Minnie: What is lurgi? FX: THUMPS OF SOMETHING SOLID BEING HIT AGAINST WOOD (MINNIE SCREAMS) FOLLOWED BY SHUTTING DOOR Neddy: Any more questions? No my plan is to set up Yakka-Boo Centres in Blackpool. Minnie: I'm asking a civilian question. What is lurgi? Henry: That's another thing I want to know! What is lurgi? Minnie: What is lurgi? Henry: Shut up Minnie: Shut up Henry: Shut up Minnie: You shut up! Henry: What is lurgi? Minnie: I've just asked that question, buddy. Henry: Why didn't you say so? Minnie: I did say so Henry: If you've already asked there's no point in me asking Minnie: Well anyway, what is lurgi? Henry: Well, gentlemen, I beg of you, before it's too late I select the lurgi victims at Yakka-Boo Centres in Blackpool Minnie: Wait. Where are we going to get all the money from for this business, buddy? FX: TELEPHONE RINGS, PICKED UP Neddy: Hello? Grytpype: (on other end) You have arranged a charity concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund Neddy: Yes, that's it. I have arranged for a charity concert at the Albert hall in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund Minnie: Bravo! Bravo! Wallace: Part Two. A Charity Concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the lurgi Distress Fund. The Overture by the Ray Ellington Quartet MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET SING "MY VERY GOOD FRIEND (SUGGESTS YOU SHOULD MARRY ME)" Neddy: And next in this concert we have imported my permission of Count Moriarty and Dr, Grytpype-Thynne the great continental tenor Jovani Sulphoney GRAMS: ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE, CHEERS, WHISTLES Sulphoney: (Spike) Gracias, gracias. For my first number I would like to sing that lovely melody that we all love so well "I Travel The Road" ORCHESTRA: GRAND AND LENGTHY INRODUCTION Sulphoney: (with orchestra) I gypsy am I, go wandering by, I travel the road, all day Moriarty: (over music) I'll give him the signal now Sulphoney: I travel the road, - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Neddy: Moriarty, the singer! He's got the lurgi! Help! Run for your lives! Lurgiiiii! ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK, FOLLOWED BY HARPS AGAIN FX: TAPPING ON METALLIC DUSTBIN Grytpype: For the last time, come out of that dustbin Neddy: (inside bin) Leave me alone, I don't want to touch lurgi Grytpype: There is nothing to fear. Neddy, I'll tell you the cure FX: DUSTBIN LID BEING OPENED Neddy: The cure? Ah-ha. That's it, the cure! The cure, what's the cure? Grytpype: Now sit down Neddy and let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to force your way into the Houses of Parliament. Once there you must impress upon them the disastrous cuinsequonces of this dreaded lurgi. Neddy: But, but, what's the cure? Grytpype: The, err, cure, is rather unorthodox, but here it is, you will tell them (fade out) ORCHESTRA: HARP LINK Wallace: Meanwhile and unsuspecting Parliament is debating important affairs of state. Everyone: coughs Spike: (old politician) Err, who's responsible for the drains at Hackney? And, may I ask why they have not been taken up in the last century? Everyone: Here, here Peter: (old politician) They are, they were, taken up last December Spike: Oh! Peter: Ah! Harry: here, here. Spike: (halting at every comma) Isn't it time, they were taken up, again? Harry: Well done! Peter: Impossible! They've not been put back again yet Wallace: (above arguments) The fierce debate was at its height when past the speakers chair crept a dustbin, and with dramatic suddenness the lid was flung off! FX: DUSTBIN LID BEING THROWN OFF DRAMATICALLY Neddy: Honourable members! Lurgi threatens us all! Minnie: What is lurgi? Neddy: Lurgi is the most dreadful malady known to mankind Minnie: Oooooh! Neddy: In six weeks it could swamp the whole of the British Isles Everyone: Rubbish! Neddy: Gentlemen, Oldham is already affected. At this very moment more and more people are contracting lurgi Everyone: shouts of shock, such as "Terrible state of affairs!" Peter: Is there any known cure for lurgi? Neddy: That there is! Let me tell you a tale. By continuous research I discovered that all victims have one thing in common. Everyone: What is it? Out with it man? Neddy: None of them play in a brass band Everyone: Incredible. Amazing Peter: One moment, sir. Are you inferring that by playing a musical instrument one is immune for lurgi? Neddy: Yes Peter: Hmmm. Give me an "A", would you? ORCHESTRA: EACH INSTRUMENT PLAYING DIFFERENT NOTES, FOLLOWED BY DRAMATIC LINK ENDED WITH HARPS Wallace: Following the massive disclosure in Parliament, Dr. Ned Seagoon had been put in full charge of the Anti-Lurgi Campaign Moriarty: (faded in) You will need to order 4 million E Flat trombones Neddy: That's going to cost something isn't it? Moriarty: Cost! Cost! Lives are at stake, man! Neddy: Yes Grytpype: If you can save Britain from lurgi the government won't mind the expenditure Neddy: Your right. First Louis Posture, Madame Pompadour, Sinzeer and Gladys - Grytpype: Yes, yes. We've heard all that. And now you Neddy: Yes, Ha-Ha. Grytpype: 3 million euphoneoms, 4 million sousaphones. Well, here's the list, sign here, lad Moriarty: And send it to Messrs Goosey and Bawkes, the well known instrument makers. Wallace: Dear listeners, sit down while I tell you a tale. Within three weeks Messrs Goosey and Bawkes had received 50 million pounds in brass band orders. They delivered them in some 30 million musical instruments to Airwick Gatport, the great airport at Gatwick. GRAMS: HUGE PLANE MOTOR RUNNING Neddy: (over noise) What a sight! A thousand planes packed to the billagers with the life saving instruments. Well done, Goosey and Bawkes. Now, where is that Major Bloodnok? It's almost zero hour! Any of you pilots seen Major Bloodnok? Bluebottle: I heard you call me, my Cap-i-tain. I heard you call me. Enter Bluebottle, pauses for audience applause, not a sausage. Wey! Better Second House. Neddy: Stand away little stringy pants, this is man's work Bluebottle: But I have done all my homework, and I washed my knees - Look! Points to white spot on leg, doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot Neddy: Stop that dooting, man! Bluebottle: Hee-Hee. Neddy: Where's Major Bloodnok? Bluebottle: I can play that part better than he can, him can. I'm in the school play at Christmas. Puts on white beard, holˇ! Neddy: Wait a moment, there is a part for you Bluebottle: I knew you would not play this game without little Bluebottle. What do I say, Captain? Neddy: Read this, but don't read it until I tell you Bluebottle: My little Captain is going a long way off to see if I can shout to him. Turns away from windows so I do not shatter them. Neddy: (in distance) Right-O! Read it out now! Bluebottle: I heard you! (clears throat) Reads part: "My name is Ned Seagoon" GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you. You have deaded me before we've even started the game. And you have singed my Edward Persian Egyptian type-shirt. Oiiy! Moves off for new supply of crep-air. Major: Oh thud me cronkers and duffel me latches. A civilian on army property? Who are you, sir? Neddy: I'd rather not say, sir, you see I - Major: Come on out with it! I'm broad-minded! wait a minute your not Ned - Neddy: Shhhhh, please Major: Strange sounding name. Neddy: Major Bloodnok - Major: That's more like a name! Pleased to meet you Major Bloodnok Neddy: I'm not Major Bloodnok, that's your name. Major: Of course it is, ahhhhhh Neddy: Major Bloodnok Major: Err, Major Bloodnok Neddy: Yes Major: Yes Neddy: You will be parachuted into Blackpool with your men, the object being to instruct the lurgi victims in the use of these new instruments Major: Well, we're all ready to depart now. Band, from the left, into the plane, quick march, chocks away, good luck! GRAMS: DOORS SHUT AND PLANES TAKE OFF Neddy: What a sight! A thousand planes taking off for Blackpool, soon it will all be over, lurgi conquered by me! ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK ENDED IN HARPS Wallace: And now here is the news. Today in Parliament questions were asked regarding the dropping of some 50 million brass band instruments on Blackpool late last night. There appears to be no valid reason why this strange operation was carried out. It is known to have cost the treasury well over 25 million pounds. As a result income tax will now be three guineas in the pound. New Scotland Yard are trying to trace a short fat man who started a rumour about a non- existent disease called lurgi. He is reported to have last been seen - Grytpype: Switch it off. Moriarty: Yes, we've heard enough of that now. Let me see now, that's £15,000 for you, 15 million for me, 6 million for me and then for the - FX: DOOR OPENED ABRUPTLY Neddy: Ah! There you are! Grytpype: It's Little Neddy. Neddy: Have you heard the news? They say that there's no such disease as lurgi Grytpype: No such disease as lurgi? And you went to the Houses of Parliament and told them there was!? Oh dear! Neddy: Ey? You told me to tell them! I mean - Grytpype: (Moriarty counting money behind) Tooth brush, change of underwear, yes, got the plane tickets? Neddy: Wait, wait! There is such a thing as lurgi, isn't there? (laughs nervously) You told me there was! I mean - Peter: (taxi driver, same voice as lurgi singer) Oh pardon me, the car's waiting for Mr. Goosey and Mr. Bawkes to take them to the airport Neddy: Wait! Your the singer from the Albert Hall! You've got lurgi! Run for your life! Lurgi! wait a minute, Mr. Goosey and Mr. Bawkes? Grytpype: Yes, that's our business name. We make brass band instruments, you know. Neddy: You must have made a fortune! Grytpype: Let me tell you a tale. First Charley Peace, Dr. Crippin, and now Muggins. Good-bye. FX: DOOR SHUTS Neddy: Muggins? Who's Muggins? (sobs) Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo ORCHESTRA: THEME TUNE Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton. Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE