Crun: You asked for this! Here is the revised-type revision... This is the script to what is regarded as the best Goon-type movie. It was made in a hurry on a low budget, with Milligan making up the script as the movie progressed(all this according to Roger Wilmut's "Goon Show Companion"). (Paul Webster - 23-Jun-2004 - changed references to Willum to Willium) THE CASE OF THE MUKKINESE BATTLE HORN Transcribed from the electric mangle by Brian "AAGH (African-American Goon Hern)" Phillips, with additions by Simon Barratt (who's got it on video). CREDITS: BP - A Kingsley-Union Films Release SJB - Marlborough Pictures Present A strange serpentine-looking instrument (the Mukkinese Battle Horn?) forms the background to the opening credits. Peter Sellers Spike Milligan and Dick Emery in The Case of the Mukkinese Battle Horn (C) MCMLV with Pamela Thomas Wally Thomas Bill Hepper Gordon Phillott Original Story Larry Stephens Screenplay Harry Booth Jon Penington Larry Stephens Additional Material Spike Milligan Peter Sellers Art Director Wilfred Arnold Film Editor Ferne Muleboot (anagram?) Sound Sydney Ryder Assistant Director Douglas Hermes Camera Operator Brian Rhodes Continuity Barbara Cole Make-up Colin Guard Jack Craig Wardrobe Elsie Curtis Music Composed and Conducted by Edwin Astley Director of Photography Gerald Gibbs Produced By Jon Penington Harry Booth Michael Deeley Directed By Joseph Sterling In the wonder of Schizophrenoscope, the new Split Screen. Under that last caption, the background splits (gettit?) to reveal a thick swirling fog, which is accompanied by a severe fit of coughing. MID-FIFTIES TRAVELOGUE-TYPE HERN (SELLERS) London. Yes, London. Who can fail to recognize the city's great landmarks? Here, in Trafalgar Square, for instance, there is Nelson's Column. And even in the worst fog, you cannot miss Nelson's Column. GRAMS Car skids and crashes MFT-T HERN You see? There's someone not missing it now! But there is one famous London landmark which anyone could miss, tucked away in a little side turning. Fog clears to reveal a large building. MFT-T HERN Recognize it? Scotland Yard. Scotland Yard is the headquarters of the CID. The Criminal Investigation Department of the London Police. Let us take a look at the world-famous CID at work through the medium of a true real-life case; a factual documentary record straight from the files of Scotland Yard. A file is removed from a filing cabinet and shown to the camera. It bears the title "The Case of the Mukkinese Battle Horn." Fade to a museum case labelled "Metropolitan Museum, Mukkinese Battle Horn, 9th Century, Copper - inlaid with Rubies and Emeralds." MFT-T HERN Yes, the case of the Mukkinese Battle Horn. A brick shatters the glass case in which the Horn is contained. Hand comes into frame, removes the brick, and we hear hurried footsteps running away. Then we hear them coming back. The hand replaces the brick and very noisily removes the Mukkinese Battle Horn. STANDARD HERN (HENCEFORTH KNOWN AS HERN) The fact was not discovered until the following morning. GRAMS Dick Barton-type fast-paced music. OLD MUSEUM GUARD Get... me... Scotland... Yard. HERN Within minutes of the report of the burglary, the CID was on the scene on the person of Scotland Yard's Ace Detective, Superintendent Quilt. A police car screeches to a halt out of frame, reverses into frame and stops more-or-less in front of the museum. Quilt (Sellers) gets out, remonstrating with the driver, who's obviously giving as good as he's getting. Sellers is wearing a homburg hat, a trench coat, and a generous handle-bar moustache. When the car eventually stops, Quilt opens the boot to let out Detective Sergeant Brown (Milligan). CUT TO Inside museum WPC (PAMELA THOMAS) Good morning, sir. QUILT Good morning, Constable. Where's the body? WPC Body, sir? Oh, there's no body here. QUILT You mean...we're alone? Romantic music plays and fades. HERN Wasting no time, Superintendent Quilt and Sergeant Brown began a thorough search for clues. BROWN Look, sir! (points down) An impression of a heel! QUILT Very clever, Brown. But we haven't time for your impressions now. BROWN Thank you, sir. Quilt walks to another room. QUILT I say, you there, are you the body? NODULE (EMERY) No, are you? QUILT Oh, no. I'm Superintendent Quilt of Scotland Yard. NODULE Delighted to meet you. My name's Nodule, I'm a curator here. QUILT How do you do? NODULE Ha, ha, how do you do? They shake hands. QUILT Excuse my glove, won't you? NODULE Certainly, of course, ha ha ha. QUILT (LOOKS PAST NODULE) H-e-e-llo? NODULE Hello? I thought we just met. QUILT What have we got over here? Walks over to the smashed case. QUILT What's all this about, eh? NODULE That? Oh, we just had a robbery last night. QUILT A robbery? Anything stolen? Quilt picks up card and recites. QUILT "Metropolitan Museum, Mukkinese Battle Horn, 9th-century copper inlaid with ruby and emeralds." Quilt lifts the window-smashing-type brick from the display. QUILT You've been swindled, old man. NODULE What? QUILT Yes. This is an ordinary house brick. NODULE I know. The Mukkinese Battle Horn has been stolen. QUILT What? (Drops brick on Nodule's foot) NODULE OOooh! QUILT I must warn you that anything that you say can and will be taken down and used in evidence against you. Sergeant Brown? BROWN Yes, sir? QUILT Make a note of all that. BROWN Right, sir. Both of them speak in rapid-fire, simultaneous police-type banter. QUILT Have you got all that? BROWN No, sir! QUILT Good! You know, Nodule, it strikes me as very, very fishy why the thief chose this Mukkinese Battle Horn thing when there was all these other rare and valuable items lying around. NODULE Really? QUILT Mm-hmm. Such as those golden slave bangles. NODULE By Jove, you're right! QUILT Yes... NODULE He could have easily nicked one of those Chinese jade ornaments. QUILT Mmm. NODULE Or even this. Points and walks. NODULE This Priceless Grecian vase. Which he knocks over with his outstretched finger. NODULE Botheration! Cleggit! Slip round to Woolworth's and get me another one of those priceless Grecian vases, will you? Cleggit exits QUILT Mr. Nodule, can you give me a full description of the Mukkinese Battle Horn? NODULE Description? I can do better than that. Yells off-camera. NODULE Cleggit! CLEGGIT Yes? NODULE Bring in the other Mukkinese Battle Horn. QUILT The other? NODULE Yes. This one was one of a pair. Supposed to be the only identical pair in existence. QUILT Come now, Mr. Nodule! Do you take me for a raving idiot? NODULE Well, I ... Quilt bristles. QUILT I beg your pardon? I'm an officer of the Police Force and I... Cleggit brings in the other horn. Nodule, Brown and Quilt turn to see the horn. QUILT, NODULE AND BROWN AARRGH! QUILT So, um...this is it, is it? NODULE Yes. This is it. BROWN It sort of looks like a trumpet, sir. QUILT Yes, it does. NODULE With a little more plumbing, of course. QUILT Look, um, tell me one thing. NODULE Yes? QUILT What are these holes? NODULE Oh, I'm glad you mentioned those. They help to change the pitch of the note. QUILT I see. NODULE Now this one here, this one here is for C-Sharp... QUILT That's rather ingenious. NODULE Yes, yes, yes. And that one there is for A-Flat. BROWN Devilish cunning. (Pointing to another spot on the horn. BROWN What's this hole here for!? NODULE Used razor blades. BROWN Mr. Nodule, you're trying to be funny, sir. NODULE (TO CAMERA) Aren't we all? Car drives up. HERN Soon the various experts from the CID began appearing on the scene. At 11:10, the police photographers arrived, photographed the police... Police are seen posing for a family portrait-type shot. HERN ...and hurried away again. Car drives away. HERN At 11:30, Quilt began his interrogation of witnesses and possible suspects. QUILT Send in the night watchman, J. Smith. 1ST PC Yes, sir. Call J. Smith! Out of a mummy case comes Spike Milligan. The Smith character is essentially Eccles. SMITH Hellooo! OOooh. Fine, fine, fine. (Sings) "Everything's going to be fine..." He is manhandled by a constable. SMITH Oh, here, what're you doing? Lemme go! Lemme go, now! Take your feet off me! Looks around quizzically. QUILT Are you J. Smith? SMITH (NODS IN ASSENT) Nope, nope. QUILT He's not J. Smith, Brown! SMITH (TO PC) He's not J. Smith-Brown. QUILT That's not Brown! SMITH That's not Brown. QUILT Where were you on the night of the throventeenth? SMITH (TO QUILT) I was at the pictures. (to PC) I WAS AT THE PICTURES! (to Quilt) BANG! A car went bang, bang, bang, wit-tidda-dum, dayday, fine. QUILT What about the Mukkinese Battle Horn? SMITH What about the Mukkinese Battle Horn? QUILT It's been stolen! SMITH Oooh, (to Constable) it's been stolen. QUILT Constable, get this idiot out of here! SMITH Get this idiot out of here! Constable removes Smith, amid Smith's protests. QUILT Next witness! I won't stand for it! I'll show you! Next witness, Constable. 1ST PC Yes, sir. Next witness! BROWN This is Mr. Crump, the janitor, sir. QUILT Mr. Crimp, would you like to tell us your story? CRIMP (EMERY, SOUNDING LIKE WILLIUM "MATE" COBBLERS) Yes, sir. Well, I was proceeding in an orderly manner towards the main gate last night in order to lock up... QUILT Mm-hmm... CRIMP When suddenly, someone jumps out and wallops me on me 'ead. Wallop, wallop, wallop, on me 'ead. I turns round and wallop, wallop, wallop again! QUILT Incredible. CRIMP Down I goes and wallop, wallop, wallop on me 'ead again! Then, just as I start to get up, wallop, wallop, wallop...! QUILT On your head? CRIMP Yus sir. Wallop... QUILT Wallop... CRIMP Wallop... QUILT Hmm... Tell me, Mr. Crimp, did you notice anything peculiar about these men? CRIMP Yes, sir. QUILT What? CRIMP They kept on wallopin' me on me 'ead. QUILT I see. Is there anything else? CRIMP (TAKES OFF HIS HAT TO REVEAL A LARGE BANDAGE) Yes, sir. Could I have an aspirin? QUILT Constable, look after Mr. Crimp, would you? CRIMP Thank you very much, sir. (leaves with 2nd PC) 1ST PC Next witness! A Veronica Lake-type blonde woman (Pamela Thomas) walks up to the desk. BROWN (SMITTEN) The next witness is waiting, sir. QUILT (LOOKING DOWN AT THE DESK) Fine, Brown. Now then, sire... Camera, mimicking Quilt's eyes, takes a long, languorous pan of the woman's figure after which, Quilt is equally smitten. QULIT Where were you on the night of the throventeenth? WOMAN (SILKILY) Don't you remember? QUILT (EYES STILL LOCKED ON WOMAN) Have you got all that down, Brown? BROWN Yes, sir! QUILT Well, rub it out again, would you? HERN Superintendent Quilt hurried back to Scotland Yard and within minutes of his arrival, the well-oiled machinery of the CID sprang into action. At the CID, someone is riding an exercise bicycle which seems to supply the power to the dispatcher's phone set. The bike rider and the dispatcher are both dressed in nightshirts and nightcaps. DISPATCHER Calling patrol car 11D, calling car 11D! Urgent. Turn left into Oxford Street and head west, turn left into Oxford Street and head west. Calling car 5K, car 5K, turn right into Oxford Street and head due east, turn right into Oxford... GRAMS Car skid and crash. DISPATCHER Calling ambulance one-seven, calling ambulance one-seven... CUT TO Newsreel of mob of Italian soldiers being marched off to imprisonment during WWII. HERN The search continued. During the afternoon, several arrests were made. CUT TO Night scene. It is foggy and two lovers are gazing into each other's eyes. HERN With nightfall, the weather took a turn for the worse. But, even in the darkest, foggiest street, London's indomitable police searched on, stopping late wayfarers and ruthlessly questioning them. PC Hey! Hey, you two! MALE WAYFARER Uh, yes? PC Can you tell me the way back to the police station? MALE WAYFARER Just over there. PC Thank you. (Exits, with his arms outstretched, like a sleepwalker. GRAMS Shout and loud splash. FEMALE WAYFARER Darling, how romantic! We must be near the river. CUT TO Police station, officer walks in with stack of papers. HERN By noon the following day, vast amounts of vital evidence were pouring in. Officer with large amount of papers drops an envelope on the desk of Quilt and walks away with the stack of papers. Brown scans the envelope with a magnifying glass and presents his startling verdict. BROWN It's a letter, sir. QUILT Good work, Brown BROWN Thank you, sir. QUILT Now let's see what this is all about, shall we? Hello! It's a report from the police laboratory. BROWN Really, sir? QUILT Yes. Let's see. Reading. "Analysis of fluff taken from night watchman's trouser cuff. Discovered were fragments of wool, cotton, fine ash from Turkish-type cigarette, particles of dried mud from a Limestone district and a quantity of low-grade industrial soot of coal dust." BROWN Really, sir? And what was the analysis' conclusion? QUILT This suit needs cleaning. BROWN Gosh! Brown stretches out the hand that holds the report. QUILT File that will you Brown? BROWN At once, sir! Brown takes out a nail file and uses it on Quilt's hand. GRAMS Knock on door. Amidst piano music best suited for silent era films, a man with a moustache and hat enters the room. The following sequence is rendered in title cards. BURKINGTON (MILLIGAN) Caption: GOOD MORNING Announces himself in silent movie style, with a bit of a sword fight thrown in for good measure. BURKINGTON Caption: I AM CATCHPOLE BURKINGTON, FAMOUS STAR OF THE SILENT FILMS. Quilt and Brown look at each other, with some astonishment. Quilt moves his mouth to speak, but finds no sound is coming out. They decide to write out what they want to say. QUILT Caption: WHAT DO YOU WANT? BURKINGTON Caption: I'VE CALLED FOR MY UNEMPLOYMENT MONEY. Quilt writes out another sign. QUILT Caption with pointing finger: THE LABOUR EXCHANGE IS NEXT DOOR. Behind Burkington is a large cupboard marked "DISGUISES." Burkington opens the door and steps inside, only to reappear immediately dressed in an 1890's style striped bathing suit. He takes a bow before re-entering the cupboard, to re-emerge wearing his original suit. He takes a deep bow. While he is bent over, the Constable with the stack of papers enters the office and trips over him. Burkington exits. AN ANNOUNCER We interrupt our story to bring you a word from Mr. Maurice Ponk. PONK (EMERY) My name is Maurice Ponk...and I live in a little log cabin in Piccadilly. Last night, I left a burning cigarette by my bedside and the 'ole place was burnt down. And the night before last, my fire insurance run out... and we did not get a penny. My, how we did laugh, heh-heh, when we, heh-heh, heard about it. ANNOUNCER Mr. Ponk has nothing to do with our story. We thought you might like to see what a real idiot looked like. CUT TO Suave man reclining on a sofa holding a cigarette in a holder. This is intercut with Quilt at the police station. HERN Six months later. The public are pressing for an early arrest. The assistant commissioner, Sir Jervis Fruit, rings Superintendent Quilt with an urgent inquiry. FRUIT (SELLERS, USING HIS GRYTPYPE-THYNNE VOICE) Hello, Quilt. Have you a light? QUILT A light? Certainly sir. Quilt holds a lighter up to the mouthpiece. Cut to Fruit lighting his cigarette from his telephone earpiece. FRUIT Thank you. QUILT All right, sir. FRUIT Quilt, about this Mukkinese Battle Horn thing, something must be done, you know. QUILT Yes. FRUIT Quilt, I want you to call at every music shop and pawn shop, masquerading as a musician inquiring for a Mukkinese Battle Horn. Have you got that? QUILT Yes sir, Yes, yes. FRUIT Good. Whatever you do, take every precaution and don't get yourself killed. Pause. Oh, I don't know, though. A rock flies through Quilt's window. QUILT What was that? What was that, Brown? Brown, what is that? BROWN (LOOKING AT THE ROCK THROUGH HIS SPYGLASS) It's a magnifying glass, sir! QUILT Control, Brown, Control! BROWN A stone! With a message tied to it. QUILT What does it say? BROWN (READS NOTE) "Fred Smith, Window Repair" QUILT (READING SAME NOTE) "14A Hurley Street." BROWN Why, that's 14A Hurley Street's address! QUILT Yes, and no more than a stone's throw from here. Brown, we'll start our search there. Brown puts on a hat that is too large for him and exits. Judging by the number of atmospheric shops of a pawn shop's sign, the action now switches to a pawn shop. Eventually, the camera alights on the centre ball of one particular sign, and pans down to reveal a fourth ball. QUILT Business must be good. BROWN Yes, sir. Brown and Quilt are seen to be outside a shop door marked "Musical Instruments." They knock. QUILT (WITH GROWING IMPATIENCE) Come along! Knocking is continuous throughout this scene. CRUN (INSIDE THE SHOP) Puss, pussy, pussy, kitty, kitty. Come on out of there you naughty little Tibbles. MINNIE Henryyy! Henryyy! CRUN Come on, Tibbles. MINNIE Henryyy! CRUN What is it Minnie? I... MINNIE Henry, there's someone knocking at the door! CRUN What, what is..., what is... MINNIE Knicky, knacky, knocky at the door! CRUN Minnie, I can't hear what you're saying for that knocking noise! MINNIE Tell them to stop that knocking! CRUN I can't hear you! Mnk, ngk... QUILT Yes, I think someone's going to answer, but I'm not sure. Crun opens door. CRUN Would you mind not knocking for a moment, please? QUILT Certainly. CRUN Thank you. Crun closes door. CRUN Now, what was it, Min? MINNIE There's someone at the door, Henry. CRUN No, no, there isn't, Minnie. MINNIE No, there isn't, is there, Henry? CRUN. No, no, no. MINNIE Sorry buddy. Goodnight. CRUN Goodnight, Minnie. Crun returns to the front door and opens it. CRUN It's all right. You can carry on now. QUILT Thank you. CRUN Thank YOU. Knocking re-commences with renewed vigour. MINNIE Henryyy! CRUN Now what is it? MINNIE Knicky knocky at the door. CRUN There is NOT a knicky knocking needle nardle noo, I'm telling you. Look, you stupid old cow. There's no-one there, I'm telling you. Naaagh. You naughty old ... There's nobody there, I'm telling you. Crun goes to door and answers it. CRUN Good evening. Won't you please come in? QUILT Brown, this may be dangerous. I want you to stick around here and keep your eyes open. BROWN Right, sir. QUILT Don't forget, Brown. Keep a sharp watch out. BROWN All right, sir. Quilt enters shop. QUILT Good evening. CRUN Good, mm, good evening. QUILT Uh, I'm think of taking up music and I'm looking for a Mukkinese Battle Horn. CRUN You can't get them, you know. QUILT Um, why is that? CRUN You, mnk, can't get the wood, you know. QUILT I see. CRUN Poor old Molly Gnasher. QUILT What about her? CRUN She couldn't get the wood either. QUILT Perhaps some other time. Well, good night. CRUN Good...nnn...good night. Quilt leaves, and he and Brown hide round a corner from the shop. The shop door opens at out steps the VL blonde, leaving the shop. WOMAN Good night, Mother. MINNIE Good night, darling. Don't be late now. BROWN Good heavens, sir! Isn't that the lady you questioned at the museum? I think we ought ... They set out after her. CUT TO A sign that reads "MAXIES CLUB." HERN The mysterious blonde led Quilt and Sergeant Brown to Maxie's Club, a notorious hangout of London's underworld. QUILT Brown? I want you to get a message through to Scotland Yard to say that we're coming here and... A Speakeasy-type sliding peep door opens up. Behind it is Maxie (Emery, wearing a preposterous black beard and dark glasses). MAXIE Yeah? QUILT I haven't knocked yet. MAXIE Sorry Closes peep door. Quilt knocks. Maxie opens peep door. MAXIE Yeah? QUILT Are you Mr. Maxie? MAXIE Such is my name. QUILT I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Such. Will Mr. Maxie be along? MAXIE I AM Mr. Maxie. QUILT Then you weren't very long, were you? We were wondering if we could get into your club here. MAXIE You were wondering if you could get into my club here? QUILT Yes MAXIE No. QUILT Why not? MAXIE This is a specially-fitted, reinforced, double-strength, armour-plated door and nobody can get through it. QUILT Then how did you get in? MAXIE Easy. I came through there. They all walk over to a Western-style swinging door. QUILT Cunning, very cunning. A man flies head first through the door out into the street. QUILT Anyone we know? BROWN No, sir. QUILT Brown? BROWN Yes, sir? QUILT You'd better stick around and see what clues you can find. BROWN Very good, sir. A full, loud, jazz orchestra is in full swing, but the only instrumentalists to be seen are playing a saxaphone, piano, and drum kit. Quilt walks into the club, the music stops and all eyes are focused on him. Quilt sits down without noticing that he's sat down next to the VL blonde. He removes his hat. The revelry resumes. The light dims and an exotic dancer with a veil moves seductively to some Pseudo-Eastern music. Quilt appears most interested. The dancer moves closer to him. QUILT Oh, beauteous one. Oh, fairest of the fair! Sublime siren! Exquisite enchantress. What are you doing in a low hovel like this? DANCER (MILLIGAN) I gotta make a living too, y'know. QUILT Why, you're not a girl, you're a man! SMITH I know that! But don't tell the manager. QUILT Why not!? SMITH We're engaged. QUILT Wait. I...see it all now. SMITH You can't! I haven't taken off the veils yet. Ha, haaa, a hee, ahigh, ahoo! He covers Quilt's face with a veil and runs off. Quilt puts on his hat over the veil. QUILT Brown! BROWN Yes, sir? QUILT Where are you? BROWN Where are you, sir? Even though they are next to each other, they look around, unable to locate each other. QUILT I'm behind this curtain, Brown. Brown removes the veil from Quilt. BROWN Good heavens, sir! What a brilliant place to hide! QUILT Thank you, Brown. BROWN By the way, sir, that dancer... QUILT Yes? BROWN Wasn't that the man you interrogated at the museum, sir? QUILT Yes, and that's not all, Brown. I'm finally beginning to see the whole sinister plot. BROWN What do you mean, sir? QUILT I'll show you. Waiter! WAITER Yes, sir? QUILT Bring me the manager. Maxie enters. MAXIE Somebody call? QUILT Yes. First the night watchman and then... Pulls the glasses and fake beard off Maxie. BROWN Good heavens, sir! The curator of the museum! QUILT Yes! Alias Doppelganger Wormscrew, head of an international ring of Mukkinese Battle Horn smugglers! WORMSCREW (EMERY) Curses! Unmasked! Wormscrew turns away. WORMSCREW Waiter! Exits. BROWN Be careful, sir! This might be a devilish trick! The waiter arrives with a bowl of soup, from which Maxie removes a gun. The detectives cower. QUILT Gad! Minestrone! Brown runs his finger over the top of the barrel of the gun and licks his finger. BROWN. And no salt! QUILT Brown! Quick, Brown! Brown opens his jacket to reveal two swords tucked into his belt. Quilt takes one. QUILT The 11th hour, but nevertheless, in the nick of time. WORMSCREW Bah! Outwitted by a neat and audacious trick! To facilitate Quilt's fighting, Brown lifts off Quilt's hat as Quilt and Wormscrew exit duelling. BROWN Come! (unintelligible) DW and Quilt begin to duel gun-to-sword. Brown studies Quilt's empty hat. BROWN Good Heavens. He's gone! Meanwhile, Quilt and Wormscrew are still duelling, with lots of pseudo duelling cries. WORMSCREW Touche! QUILT Three-che! WORMSCREW Four-che! The duel continues. Eventually, in a clinch, Quilt grabs a bottle of ketchup and pours the contents down Wormscrew's right arm. WORMSCREW Oh, BLOOD! He faints. QUILT There! That's put an end to your nefarious activities. Nothing can save you now. Not all the king's horses, not all the king's men! Through the swinging doors, three men in musketeer outfits appear. FIRST MUSKETEER Fred for King! THE OTHER TWO MUSKETEERS Fred for King! They cross their swords and then charge Quilt, swords pointing forward. QUILT Brown, help me! BROWN (JUMPING IN WITH A DRAWN SWORD) Excalibur! QUILT Down with the lacky. Have at you! A full-blown melee ensues. WORMSCREW (STILL ON THE FLOOR) I'm dying! I'm dying! I don't want to die! CUT TO VL blonde duelling with Quilt. QUILT Brown? BROWN Yes, sir? QUILT Who is this girl? BROWN That's the producer's girlfriend, sir. QUILT What? BROWN (IN AN OVERDUBBED VOICE, TO CAMERA) You think I'm kidding? WORMSCREW (STILL ON THE FLOOR) But I'm gonna die! It's in the script! I'm dying! I...I...oh, what a wonderful world we live in! QUILT TO CAMERA, TAKING A SHORT BREAK FROM FENCING It's all rather confusing, really Resumes fencing. WORMSCREW (STILL ON THE FLOOR, GETTING AN EYEFUL OF THE VL BLONDE'S LEGS) No, I don't! I want to live! Yes, I want to live! BROWN By the way, sir. Did you turn the gas off? QUILT Yes. He can't win. The poor fool can't win. Quilt and Brown are violently thrown out of the club. QUILT I fear that taught them a lesson, Brown? QUILT By Jove, yes, sir! Quilt's hat lands at his feet. Brown retrieves it and hands it to Quilt. QUILT Thank you. The strains of a mournful horn is heard in the distance. They get up. QUILT Thank goodness I've got you, Brown. It would take a Superman to evade those eagle eyes of yours. BROWN Thank you, sir. QUILT Come lad, we must try and find the Mukkinese Battle Horn. BROWN Right, sir! QUILT Whoever stole it won't get away, Brown. They walk down the street where an old man is playing an instrument so homely and serpentine, it can't be anything other than the Mukkinese Battle Horn. It is the source of the aforementioned mournful music. They look at the musician for a while. They look at his sign, which reads "EX MUKKINESE SERVICE MAN - THANK YOU." QUILT Poor devil. Give him a copper coin, Brown. They walk off. QUILT Yes, Brown, arrest everyone... The horn player stops playing, and looks in their direction. It appears to be Wormscrew in another of his cunning disguises. He begins playing again, and continues up to the closing credits. According to Brian Phillips, "The End" appears on the screen mirror-image backwards. It is pulled away, as a slide would be and is righted to read "The End." According to the copy recorded off Channel 4, the closing credits, accompanied by Henry Crun calling his cat, and Minnie Bannister still insisting that there's someone at the door, are as follows: CAPTION BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT WITH NATHAN TWIT Esq. Credits roll up THOSE WHO DID NOT APPEAR ARE FREDA CLENCH, THE UNDERWATER SOPRANO (OWN TANK) FRED NURKE JIM PILLS, SAXOPHONIST EXTRAORDINARY BARBARA SEVILLE and LURGI - THE WONDER DOG! AND THAT'S THE END!! Music up and out. Await applause, not a sosinge. HeeHee!! - The African-American Goon Hern, Pronounced AAGH!