The Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler (Of Bexhill-On-Sea) BILL: This is the BBC Home Service. F.X.: PENNY IN MUG. BILL: Thank you. We now come to the radio show entirely dedicated to the downfall of John Snagge. HARRY: He refers, of course, to the highly esteemed Goon Show. GRAMS: SORROWFUL MARCH WITH WAILS. Harry: Stop! Time for laughs later -- but now to business. Mr. Greenslade? Come over here. F.X.: CHAINS. BILL: Yes, Master? HARRY: Tell the waiting world what we have for them. BILL: My lords, ladies and other National Assistance holders -- tonight the League of Burmese Trombonists presents a best-seller play entitled: ORCHESTRA: TYMPANY ROLL. HELD UNDER -- PETER: The Terror of Bexhill-on-Sea, or ... ORCHESTRA: THREE DRAMATIC CHORDS. HARRY: The Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler. ORCHESTRA: CLIMAX. THEN DOWN NOW BEHIND -- BILL: The English Channel 1941. Across the silent strip of green-grey water -- in England -- coastal towns were deserted, except for people. Despite the threat of invasion and the stringent blackout rules, elderly gentlefolk of Bexhill-on-Sea still took their evening constitutions. F.X.: EBB TIDE ON A GRAVEL BEACH. CRUN: Ohhh -- it's quite windy on these cliffs. MINNIE: What a nice summer evening -- typical English. CRUN: Mnk yes -- the rain's lovely and warm -- I think I'll take one of my sou' westers off -- here, hold my elephant gun. MINNIE: I don't know what you brought it for -- you can't shoot elephants in England. CRUN: Mnk? Why not? MINNIE: They're out of season. CRUN: Does this mean we'll have to have pelican for dinner again? MINNIE: Yes, I'm afraid so. CRUN: Then I'll risk it, I'll shoot an elephant out of season. BOTH: (Go off mumbling in distance) BILL: Listeners who are listening will, of course, realise that Minnie and Henry are talking rubbish -- as erudite people will realise, there are no elephants in Sussex. They are only found in Kent, North of a straight line drawn between two points, thus making it the shortest distance. F.X.: PENNY IN MUG. BILL: Thank you. CRUN: ... well, if that's how it is I can't shoot any. MINNIE: Come Henry, we'd better be getting home -- I don't want to be caught on the beaches if there's an invasion. CRUN: Neither do I -- I'm wearing a dirty shirt and I -- mnk -- don't -- F.X.: CLANK OF IRON OVEN DOOR. CRUN: ... Minnie? MINNIE: What what? CRUN: Did you hear a gas oven door slam just then? MINNIE: Don't be silly, Henry -- who'd be walking around these cliffs with a gas oven? CRUN: Lady Docker. MINNIE: Yes, but apart from the obvious ones -- who'd want to ... F.X.: WHOOSH -- SPLOSH -- BATTER PUDDING HITTING MINNIE MINNIE: Ooooooooooooooohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoohohohoho .. CRUN: No, I've never heard of him. MINNIE: Help, Henery -- I've been struck down from behind. Helpp. CRUN: Mnk -- oh dear dear. (Calls) Police -- English Police -- Law Guardians??? MINNIE: Not too loud, Henry, they'll hear you. F.X.: POLICE WHISTLE. SEAGOON: (approaching) Can I help you, sir? CRUN: Are you a policeman? SEAGOON: No, I'm a constable. CRUN: What's the difference? SEAGOON: They're spelt differently. MINNIE: Ohhhhhhhh. SEAGOON: Oh! What's happened to this dear old silver-bearded lady? CRUN: She was struck down from behind. SEAGOON: And not a moment too soon -- congratulations, sir. CRUN: I didn't do it. SEAGOON: Coward -- hand back your OBE. Now tell me who did this felonious deed. What's happened to her? CRUN: It's too dark to see -- strike a light. SEAGOON: Not allowed in blackout. MINNIE: Strike a dark light. SEAGOON: No madam, we daren't -- why, only twenty-eight miles across the Channel the Germans are watching this coast. CRUN: Don't be a silly-pilly policeman -- they can't see a little match being struck. SEAGOON: Oh, alright. F.X.: MATCH STRIKING -- QUICK WHOOSH OF SHELL -- SHELL EXPLODES. SEAGOON: Any questions? CRUN: Yes -- where are my legs? SEAGOON: Now are you aware of the danger from German long-range guns? CRUN: Mnk ahh! I've got it -- I have the answer -- just by chance I happen to have on me a box of German matches. SEAGOON: Wonderful -- strike one -- they won't dare fire at their own matches. F.X.: MATCH STRIKING AND FLARING -- WHOOSH OF SHELL -- SHELL BURST. CRUN: ... Curse ... the British!!! SEAGOON: We tried using a candle, but it wasn't very bright and we daren't light it -- so we waited for dawn -- and there, in the light of the morning sun, we saw what had struck Miss Bannister. It was -- a Batter Pudding. ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC CHORD. CRUN: It's still warm, Minnie. MINNIE: Thank Heaven -- I hate cold Batter Pudding. CRUN: Come, dear little Minnie, I'll take you home -- give you a hot bath -- rub you down with the anti-vapour rub -- put a plaster on your back -- give your little feet a mustard bath, and then put you to bed. SEAGOON: Do you know this woman? CRUN: Devilish man -- of course I do -- this is Minnie Bannister, the world-famous poker player -- give her a good poker and she'll play any tune you like. SEAGOON: Well, get her off this cliff, it's dangerous. Meantime, I must report this to the Inspector. I'll call on you later -- goodbye. F.X.: (PAUSE) DISTANT SPLASH. SEAGOON: As I swam ashore I dried myself to save time. That night I lay awake in my air-conditioned dustbin thinking -- now who on earth would want to strike another with a Batter Pudding? Obviously it wouldn't happen again, so I fell asleep. Nothing much happened that night -- except that I was struck with a Batter Pudding. SPIKE: Mmmmm -- it's all rather confusing, really. BILL: In the months to come, thirty-eight Batter Puddings were hurled at Miss Bannister -- a madman was at large -- Scotland Yard were called in. ORCHESTRA: LINK. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: (Sanders throughout) Inspector Seagoon -- my name is Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, Special Investigation. This Batter Pudding Hurler -- SEAGOON: Yes? GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: He's made a fool of the police. SEAGOON: I disagree -- we were fools long before he came along. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: You silly twisted boy. Nevertheless, he's got to be stopped -- now, Seagoon -- SEAGOON: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes? GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: ... Please don't do that. Now, these Batter Puddings -- they were obviously thrown by hand. SEAGOON: Not necessarily -- some people are pretty clever with their feet. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: For instance? SEAGOON: Tom Cringingknutt. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Who's he? SEAGOON: He's a man who's pretty clever with his feet. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: What's his name? SEAGOON: Jim Phlatcrok. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Sergeant Throat? THROAT: Sir? GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Make a note of that. THROAT: Right. Anything else? GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Yes. THROAT: Right. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Good. Now Seagoon, these Batter Puddings -- were they all identical? SEAGOON: All except the last one. Inside it -- we found this. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Oh! An Army Boot! So the Dreaded Hurler is a military man. Any troops in the town? SEAGOON: The fifty-sixth Heavy Underwater Artillery. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Get there at once -- arrest the first soldier you see wearing one boot. SEAGOON: Ying tong iddle I po. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Right -- off you go. ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK SIGNATURE TUNE. BLOODNOK: Bleiough -- aeioughhh -- bleioughhhh -- how dare you come here to my H.Q. with such a ridiculous -- SEAGOON: I tell you, Major Bloodnok, I must ask you to parade your men. BLOODNOK: Why? SEAGOON: I'm looking for a criminal. BLOODNOK: You find your own -- it took me years to get this lot. SEAGOON: Ying tong iddle I po. BLOODNOK: Very well then -- bugler Max Geldray? Sound fall in -- the hard way. MAX & ORCHESTRA: "THEY WERE DOING THE MAMBO" (Applause) ORCHESTRA & CAST: (Murmurs of distrust) BLOODNOK: Silence, lads! I'm sorry I had to get you out of bed in the middle of the day -- but I'll see you get extra pay for this. ORCHESTRA & CAST: You flat 'eaded kipper -- Gawn, drop dead -- I'll claht yer flippin' head -- Gorn, shimmer orf. BLOODNOK: Ahhhhhhh, that's what I like -- spirit. Now, Seagoon -- which is the man? SEAGOON: I walked among the ranks looking for the soldier with one boot, but my luck was out: the entire regiment were barefooted -- all save the officers, who wore reinforced concrete socks. BLOODNOK: Look Seagoon, it's getting dark. You can't see in this light. SEAGOON: I'll strike a match. F.X.: MATCH ... WHOOSH OF SHELL EXPLOSION. SEAGOON: Curse, I forgot about the Germans. ECCLES: We want our beddy byes. SEAGOON: Who are you? ECCLES: Me? - I'm Lance Private Eccles, but most people call me by my nick-name. SEAGOON: What's that? ECCLES: Hahum. Nick. SEAGOON: I inspected the man closely -- he was the nearest thing I'd seen to a human being without actually being one. BLOODNOK: I say Seagoon - surely you don't suspect this man -- why, we were together in the same company during that terrible disaster. SEAGOON: What company was that? BLOODNOK: Desert Song 1933. SEAGOON: Were you both in the D'Oyly Carte? BLOODNOK: Right in the D'Oyly Carte. SEAGOON: I don't wish to know that, but wait!! At last -- by the light of a passing glue factory -- I saw that Eccles was only wearing -- one boot! ECCLES: Well, I only got one boot. SEAGOON: I know -- but why are you wearing it on your head? ECCLES: Why? It fits, dat's why -- what a silly question -- why -- why -- SEAGOON: Let me see that boot. (Sotto)> Mmmm, size nineteen ... (Aloud) What size head have you got? ECCLES: Size nineteen. SEAGOON: Curse -- the man's defense was perfect -- Major Bloodnok? BLOODNOK: How dare you call me Major Bloodnok. SEAGOON: That's your name. BLOODNOK: In that case --- I forgive you. SEAGOON: Where's this man's other boot? BLOODNOK: Stolen. SEAGOON: Who by? BLOODNOK: A thief. SEAGOON: You sure it wasn't a pickpocket? BLOODNOK: Positive -- Eccles never keeps his boots in his pocket. SEAGOON: Damn. They all had a watertight alibi -- but just to make sure I left it in a fish tank overnight. Next morning my breast pocket 'phone rang. F.X.: RING. SEAGOON: Hello? CRUN: Mr. Seagoon -- Minnie's been hit with another Batter Pudding. SEAGOON: Well, that's nothing new. CRUN: It is -- this one was stone cold. SEAGOON: Cold??? CRUN: Yes -- he must be losing interest in her. SEAGOON: It proves also that the phantom Batter Pudding Hurler has had his gas-pipe cut off! Taxi! F.X.: BAGPIPES. RUNNING DOWN. SPIKE: Yes? SEAGOON: The Bexhill Gas Works, and step on it. SPIKE: Very good Sir. F.X.: BAGPIPES. FADE OFF. BILL: Listeners may be puzzled by a taxi sounding like bagpipes. The truth is -- it is all part of the BBC new economy campaign. They have discovered that it is cheaper to travel by bagpipes -- not only are they more musical, but they come in a wide variety of colours. See your local Bagpipe Offices and ask for particulars -- you won't be disappointed. SPIKE: It's all rather confusing, really ... PETER: Meantime, Neddie Seagoon had arrived at the Bexhill Gas and Coke Works. SEAGOON: Phewwwwwww blimeyyyyy -- anyone about? ODIUM: Yerererererere. SEAGOON: Good. ODIUM: Yerrer. SEAGOON: I'd like a list of people who haven't paid their gas bills. ODIUM: Yererererere -- SEAGOON: Oh, thank you. Now here's a good list -- I'll try this number. F.X.: DIALLING. SEAGOON: I think we've got him this time -- hello? PETER: (Winston Churchill -- distort) Ten Downing Street here. SEAGOON: (gulp) I'm sorry. F.X.: CLICK. SEAGOON: No, it couldn't be him -- who would he want to throw a Batter Pudding at? F.X.: QUICK 'PHONE RING. SEAGOON: Hello? Police here. SPIKE: This is Mr. Attlee -- someone's just thrown a Batter Pudding at me. ORCHESTRA: TYMPANY ROLL HELD UNDER NEXT SPEECH -- SEAGOON: Months went by [insert from live broadcast] -- I couldn't stop them [end insert]. Still no sign of the Dreaded Hurler. Finally I walked the streets of Bexhill at night disguised as a human man -- then suddenly! ORCHESTRA: FLARING CHORD. SEAGOON: Nothing happened. But it happened suddenly mark you. Disappointed, I lit my pipe. F.X.: MATCH. WHOOSH OF SHELL. EXPLOSION OF SHELL. SEAGOON: Curse those Germans. MORIARTY: Pardon me, my friend. SEAGOON: I turned to see the speaker -- he was a tall man wearing sensible feet and a head to match. He was dressed in the full white outfit of a Savoy chef -- around his waist were tied several thousand cooking instruments -- behind him he pulled a portable gas stove from which issued forth the smell of Batter Pudding. MORIARTY: Could I borrow a match? You see, my gas has gone out and my Batter Pudding was just about to start browning. SEAGOON: Certainly. Here -- no -- keep the whole box -- I have another match at home. MORIARTY: So rich. Well, thank you, m'sieu -- you have saved my Batter Pudding from getting cold. There's nothing worse than being struck down with a cold Batter Pudding. SEAGOON: Oh yes. MORIARTY: Good night. SEAGOON: I watched the strange man as he pulled his gas stove away into the darkness. But I couldn't waste time watching him -- my job was to find the Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler. BILL: Those listeners who think that Seagoon is not cut out to be a detective -- please write to him care of Rowton House. SEAGOON: On December 25th the Hurler changed his tactics -- that day Miss Bannister was struck with a Christmas Pudding. Naturally, I searched the workhouse. WILLIUM: No sir -- we ain't had no Christmas puddin' here, have we mate? SPIKE: No. WILLIUM: We ain't had none for three years, have we mate? SPIKE: No -- it's all rather annoying, really. CRUN: (approaching) Ahh Mr. Sniklecrum ... MINNIE: Ahhhhh. SEAGOON: Mr. Crun, Miss Bannister, what are you doing here? CRUN: Mnk, Minnie had a letter this morning. MINNIE: I had a letter. CRUN: Mn gnup ... I'll tell him, Minnie. MINNIE: Thank you, Henry. CRUN: Mnk -- yes, she had a -- MINNIE: Yess, you tell him. CRUN: Alright, I'll tell ... MINNIE: ... Yes ... CRUN: She had a lett ... SEAGOON: Yes, I know she had a letter -- what about it? CRUN: It proves that the Batter Pudding Hurler is abroad. SEAGOON: What? Why? How? CRUN: It was post-marked Africa -- and inside was a portion of Batter Pudding. MINNIE: Yes -- he hasn't forgotten me. SEAGOON: So he's in Africa -- now we've got him cornered. I must leave at once. Bluebottle! BLUEBOTTLE: I heard you call, my Capatain -- I heard my Captain call -- waits for audience applause -- not a sausage -- [next edited out in one version] puts on I don't care expression as done by Aneurin Bevan at Blackpool Conservative Rally. SEAGOON: Bluebottle -- you and I are going to Africa. BLUEBOTTLE: Good -- can we take sandwiches? SEAGOON: Only for food -- any questions? BLUEBOTTLE: No. SEAGOON: I can't answer that -- can you? BLUEBOTTLE: No. SEAGOON: Ignorant swine. Got that down, Sergeant Throat? THROAT: Yes. SEAGOON: Good. THROAT: Yes. SEAGOON: Right, we catch the very next troop convoy to Algiers. And who better to drive us out of the country than Ray Ellington and his Quartet? QUARTET: "OL' MAN RIVER." (Applause) ORCHESTRA: "VICTORY AT SEA" THEME. PETER: And now ... F.X.: WASH OF WAVES OF SHIP'S PROW. BILL: Seagoon and Bluebottle travelled by sea. To avoid detection by enemy U-boats, they spoke German throughout the voyage, heavily disguised as Spaniards. PETER: As an added precaution they travelled on separate decks and wore separate shoes on different occasions. SEAGOON: The ship was disguised as a train -- to make the train sea-worthy it was done up to look like a boat and painted to appear like a tram. SPIKE: ... All rather confusing, really. SEAGOON: Also on board were Major Bloodnok and his regiment. When we were ten miles from Algiers we heard a dreaded cry. ECCLES: (off) Mine ahead -- [dirty big]|[dreadful] sea-mine ahead. BLOODNOK: (approach) What's happening here -- why are all these men cowering down on deck, the cowards? SEAGOON: There's a mine ahead. BLOODNOK: Mi -- F.X.: HURRIED FOOTSTEPS AWAY AND THEN SPLASH. SEAGOON: Funny -- he wasn't dressed for swimming. ECCLES: Hey, dere's no need to worry about the mine - [its one of ours]. [following big section - removed from some versions] [BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, I must worry -- I don't want to be deaded -- I'm wearing my best sports shirt. (Hurriedly puts on cardboard tin hat.)] ECCLES: Don't worry -- dat mine, it can't hurt us -- it's one of ours. F.X.: EXPLOSION. ECCLES: [Kren insert from live broadcast] Ohhhhhh. SEAGOON: Eccles, is the ship sinking? ECCLES: Only below the sea. SEAGOON: We must try and save the ship -- help me get it into the lifeboat. ECCLES: O.K. ... Upppppppppp. BOTH: (Grunts and groans) ECCLES: It's no good, the ship won't fit in the lifeboat. SEAGOON: What a ghastly oversight by the designer. Never mind, it leaves room for one more in the boat. BLOODNOK: I'm willing to fill that vacancy. SEAGOON: How did you get back on board? BLOODNOK: I was molested by a lobster with a disgusting mind. SEAGOON: Right, Bloodnok, do your duty. BLOODNOK: (calls) Women and children first. SEAGOON: Bloodnok, take that dummy out of your mouth. ECCLES: Hey, don't leave me behind. BLOODNOK: And why not? ECCLES: ... Give me time and I'll think of a reason. BLOODNOK: Right, wait here until Apple Blossom Time --- meantime, Seagoon, lower away. F.X.: WINCHES GOING. ECCLES: Hey -- if you make room for me, I'll pay ten pounds. F.X.: SPLASH. SEAGOON: (off) You swine Bloodnok -- BLOODNOK: Business is business -- get in Eccles. ECCLES: Ta. SEAGOON: (off) Look, I'll pay twenty pounds for a place in the boat. F.X.: SPLASH BLOODNOK: (off) Aeiough, you double-crosser, Eccles.. ECCLES: Get in, Captain Seagoon. HARRY: Ahhh, thank you Eccles -- myyy friend. BLOODNOK: (off) Thirty pounds for a place. F.X.: SPLASH. ECCLES: (off) You ain't my friend. BLOODNOK: Ahhh, good old Seagoon, you've saved me. SEAGOON: My pal. ECCLES: (off) Fifty pounds for a place in the boat. F.X.: TWO DISTANT SPLASHES. SPIKE: Alert listeners will have heard two splashes -- this means that both Bloodnok and Seagoon have been hurled in the water -- who could have done this? BLUEBOTTLE: Ha heuheuheuheuheuhuh -- I dood it I doo -- I hid behind a tin of dry biscuits and then I grabbed their tootsies and upppp into the water -- ha heheu huehhhhh -- ECCLES: Bluebottle, you saved my life. BLUEBOTTLE: O ha well, we all make mistakes! I like this game -- what school do you go to? ECCLES: Reform. (Both fading off) SEAGOON: Tricked by the brilliant planning of Bluebottle and Eccles, Bloodnok and I floundered in the cruel sea. F.X.: SEA. BLOODNOK: Fortunately we found a passing lifeboat and dragged ourselves aboard. SEAGOON: We had no oars but luckily we found two outboard motors and we rowed with them. BLOODNOK: Brilliant. SEAGOON: For thirty days we drifted to and fro -- then hunger came upon us. [END of major revison in some versions] BLOODNOK: Aeioughhhhhhhh -- if I don't soon I'll die and if I die I won't eat soon. Wait -- (sniffffff) can I smell cooking or do my ears deceive me? SEAGOON: He was right -- he has smelly ears -- something was cooking -- there at the other end of the lifeboat was -- a gas stove! Could this be the end of our search? BLOODNOK: I'll knock on the oven door. F.X.: KNOCKING ON OVEN DOOR. MORIARTY: (off) Just a minute, I'm in the bath ... (Pause) F.X.: COMING DOWN IRON STAIRS. MORIARTY SINGING. OVEN DOOR OPENS. MORIARTY: Good morning -- I'm sorry -- you!!! SEAGOON: Yes -- remember Bexhill -- I lent you the matches. MORIARTY: You don't want them back? SEAGOON: Don't move -- I arrest you as the Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler. Hands up, you devil -- don't move -- this finger is loaded. MORIARTY: If you kill me I promise you'll never take me alive. BLOODNOK: Wait -- how can we prove it? SEAGOON: That Batter Pudding in the corner of the stove is all the evidence we need. We've got him. ORCHESTRA: CRASHING TRIUMPHANT THEME. F.X.: QUIET SEA. LAPPING OF WAVES. BILL: But it wasn't easy -- forty days they drifted in an open boat. FIDDLE: "HEARTS AND FLOWERS" BLOODNOK: Oooaeioughhh, I tell you Seagoon -- let's eat the Batter Pudding or we'll starve!! SEAGOON: No, d'yer hear me -- no! That's the only evidence we've got -- though I must admit this hunger does give one an appetite. BLOODNOK: We must eat it or die. SEAGOON: Never!!! BLOODNOK: We must. BOTH: (Fade off) BILL: And that, we fear is the end of our story except, of course, for the end -- we invite listeners to submit what they think should be the classic ending. Should Seagoon eat the Batter Pudding and live or leave it and in the cause of justice -- die? Meantime, for those of you cretins who would like a happy ending -- here it is. GRAMS: SWEET BACKGROUND MUSIC, VERY, VERY SOFT. HARRY: Darling -- darling, will you marry me? BLOODNOK: Of course I will -- darling. BILL: Thank you -- good night. ORCHESTRA: SIGNATURE TUNE: UP AND DOWN FOR -- BILL: That was the Goon Show -- a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The programmed produced by Peter Eton. ORCHESTRA: SIGNATURE TUNE UP TO END. (Applause) MAX & ORCHESTRA: "CRAZY RHYTHM" PLAYOUT. [Original script transcription by who knows who ... small corrections by Paul Webster - July 1999]