The Red Fort
by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens
Greenslade: This is the BBC Light
Secombe: There should be a law
Greenslade: There is.
Secombe: What's it called?
Greenslade: The Home
Secombe: And it's that sort of
material folks, that makes the BBC give in to ITV.
Greenslade: It's all right you
running Auntie down, but you know which side your breads buttered mate.
Secombe: Yeah, you do all right out
of it as well mate. My life, eh, what.
Secombe: I've seen you knocking back
the gin at the old BBC cocktail parties there, Wal'. I've seen you staggering
out reeking of whisky and your pockets full of cheese biscuits.
Greenslade: This is
Secombe: You'll get a muffin up your
conk. Shut your big dinner grind and read that. Go on, read on there Wal'.
Greenslade: I've a good mind to go
back to the P and O. Hem. We start the all-leather Goon Show with a map of Delhi
in 1857. Next, let us show you a contour map of Jane Mansfield showing the south
Secombe: Give me back that family
treasure. Where's my speaking trumpet? Hello folks. Hello folks. Calling folks.
Presenting to you, Captain Hugh Jampton to tell a tale of India.
Orchestra: Bugle sounds "The Last
Captain Hugh Jampton: India, 1857.
I'd just been gazetted to the First Offence Fusiliers. I shall never forget that
3rd of August. It was 130 degrees in the shade. Gad, the sun was hot. As I sat
there in the sweltering heat, the perspiration poured off my dufta, ran down the
fur on my topee, and sizzled on my hot steaming curry. Gad, I thought, I wonder
what the folks at home are doing now.
Fred Bogg: We weren't doing anything
Captain Hugh Jampton: ...and just
across the road I could hear the old man signing documents in his office.
Orchestra: Bloodnok theme.
Bloodnok: Ohhh, ohhh, oh. Blast these
flies. Dear Sir,...
Fx: Quill on parchment
Bloodnok: [writing] ...the consignments of women arriving
from England are not up to War Department standards. As it is, we are returning
two crates of them which went off during the voyage. And as you know, we
soldiers consider women to be a sacred animal. Please expedite.
Fx: knock on door
Bloodnok: Just a moment, I haven't
got my medals on...
Fx: Jangle of medals
Bloodnok: ...and they're all long
service ones you know. Come in.
Seagoon: Good morning Major. Ah, your
medals are showing sir.
Bloodnok: Oh, ho-ho. Dear oh dear.
Captain Seagoon, what's up now?
Seagoon: Can your wife keep a
Seagoon: Then I'm safe.
Bloodnok: Yes, but I'm not
Seagoon: Wait, then who was that lady
in your house?
Bloodnok: That was no lady, that was
Seagoon: Aaaaaahhhhhh! It's the heat
sir, my eyes are going. I want a transfer.
Bloodnok: Right, stick this on your
Seagoon: Gad, it's a nude anchor on a
Bloodnok: Yes, it belonged to my
mother. She was a sailor.
Seagoon: Ah ha-ha-ha-ha-aaa
Bloodnok: Oh, you naughty man. What's
the matter with you this morning, Seagoon? Why have you got such a long
Seagoon: Heavy dentures sir.
Bloodnok: I see. Well, have you seen
Seagoon: Yes, I just saw one walking
down the road.
Bloodnok: Good, good, good, good,
good. Then you must let nature take its course.
Seagoon: Yes. That reminds me sir.
There's a native outside says he's a better man than I am.
Bloodnok: Gunga Din?
Seagoon: That's him.
Fx: door opens.
Jim Spriggs: Hello Jim. Hello
Jeeeeeeem. Pardon me sir. There's trouble in the old bazaar. Trouble iiiin the
Bloodnok: Stop raving and get on with
Jim Spriggs: The devils are going
around shouting "Down with the English".
Seagoon: What? I'll send the Irish
Guards to deal with them
Jim Spriggs: It's the Irish Guards
who are shouting it.
I'll have their shamrock ration cut in half for this.
Jim Spriggs: How painful for them.
But there is terrible trouble sir. Terrible trouble seeeeiiiir. The control
mound is in great danger. In great danjee-eer.
Seagoon: Danger? Major, I want a
Fx: transfer slapped on arm
Seagoon: Gad, the cap badge of
Bloodnok: Yes, it belonged to my
Seagoon: How long was he with the
Bloodnok: Until the day it died. Why
are you asking all these questions Seagoon? You must be rather new out
Seagoon: Yes sir, new out here, but
old everywhere else.
Bloodnok: Well gentlemen, we'll have
to face it. The natives are revolting.
Seagoon: Oh I don't know, some of
them are nice chaps.
Bloodnok: Where did you hear
Seagoon: Take It From Here.
Grams: Large disturbance outside
Bloodnok: Listen, if that's the right
sound effect, it sounds like hostile natives.
Seagoon: Don't worry Sir. I'll go
outside and soothe them.
Fx: Door opens and closes.
Seagoon: [sings]...There'll always be an England and
England shall be free.....
Grams: Jeers from the crowd
Fx: Door opens and closes.
Seagoon: ...Unmusical swines. They'd
have had to pay two guineas a time to hear that at the Palladium. My life.
Bloodnok: Well let me quell them lad.
Hand me my military violin.
Grams: Goes out of door and plays
violin. Lots of sounds including donkey braying, grunts, raspberries.
Bloodnok: The filthy swines, look at
my uniform. I'll soon show them. I'll give them the last turkey in the shop.
Abdul, now then, hand me that magnifying glass.
Grams: goes out door. Crowd draws in
deep breath and flees. Door opens again.
Bloodnok: There, that got rid of
them. Oh ho ho.
Seagoon: Major, what did you
Bloodnok: I'm not going to say, but
they'd never allow it on television. That's all.
Seagoon: Well anyhow, it's given us
breathing space to re-organise.
Bloodnok: Yes yes yes. Haveldar
Singhiz Thingz : Yes Sahib?
Bloodnok: Why are the men
Singhiz Thingz : Indeed sir, there
is a nasty rumour that the cartridges for their rifles are being greased with
Singhiz Thingz : Well sahib, the
natives look upon the banana as a sacred animal.
Bloodnok: What? Rattle me
Bloodnok: Thank you. That's a lot of
superstitious nonsense. The banana is a non-sacred animal.
Seagoon: Nevertheless sir the native
troops are enflamed.
Bloodnok: Well we all are. It's the
dohbi itch you know. Tell them to drink caster oil.
Seagoon: Are you mad major?
Seagoon: The natives regard castor
oil as a sacred animal. I'm only a simple Englishman and I know that.
Bloodnok: You're simpler than I
Seagoon: And so saying he pointed to
a map of Dehli where Major Bloodnok was preparing to do battle.
Jim Spriggs: Eyes front Jim, eyes
front. Commanding Officer, atteeen.....shun.
Grams: Parade comes to attention
Bloodnok: As you were men. I assume
you were men before you eh...well never mind about that. Now gentlemen, the
Seefaris are up in arms and down in legs, under the leadership of the Red
Seagoon: What is the disposition of
Bloodnok: They're a lot of
miserable... ah well, I believe that he and his mutineers are a thousand miles
Seagoon: Correction sir, we've just
had news that they're only half a mile away.
Bloodnok: What, follow me.
Grams: Parade speeds into the distance,
then pause, then parade speeds back from the distance
Bloodnok: All right, stop, stop.
Well, now they're a thousand miles away.
Seagoon: They're not, we are.
Bloodnok: So, we're the same distance
from them as they are from us, the cunning devils.
Seagoon: Major, it's no good. We've
got to attack the Red Fort. It's the key to the whole of India.
Bloodnok: All right then. I want
three brave men and a coward.
Seagoon: I'll be the coward
Bloodnok: Too late, I've already
volunteered. You'll have to be the three brave men. You're just the right size I
think anyway. Now Seagoon, you three black up your faces, put on evening dress
and muffle your banjos.
Seagoon: Don't be silly sir, the
muffled banjo is considered a sacred animal.
Bloodnok: Then you'll have to attack
unaccompanied. Now, you know what we want?
Seagoon: Yes sir, the inside leg
measurement of the key to the rebel fort.
Seagoon: Don't worry sir, leave it to
me. Yes sir, I will do it sir. I'll see to it sir. Yes sir. You can rely on me
Bloodnok: Shut up, Shut up
Orchestra: Link music
Greenslade: Meantime, outside the
tradesmans entrance of the Red Fort, sounds are heard coming from a
Fx: Sounds of cutlery on plates and
Moriarty eating and going "ow"
Grytpype: Ah yes, Moriarty, when
Grytpype-Thynne invites someone to dine, they dine in the style to which they're
accustomed. Here, have another fillet of fishbone.
Grytpype: Nourishment, that's what
you need, my dear Count, nourishment. Bring the roses back to your knees.
Moriarty: Grytpype, this life of
luxury in this dustbin, it's too good to be true. What are you after? What do
you want of me? What is it, what task do you want of me, what task?
Grytpype: We've never had it so good,
Moriarty: Never had it so
Grytpype: Well I'll tell you. Now, I
have a great plan Moriarty. Soon this dustbin will be resting inside the Red
Fort, and then I have a certain idea.
Grytpype: But shhh, someone is
Moriarty: Lucky for them.
Seagoon: Yes, it's me folks. Where's
my muffled speaking trumpet? Hello folks, haaaallo folks. I'm speaking through
my muffled speaking trumpet from directly outside the main gate of the Red Fort.
We're disguised to look like Indian GPO engineers. Now to afford an
Willium: I can afford an entrance
captain, I just had me slate money.
Seagoon: Right, well knock on the
door with your slate.
Willium: Right. Knock, knock,
Fx: door opens
Red Bladder: Yimbum bullaboo, itchy
kitchy coo, toolatoola yakadoola, and your father too. Now, what d'you want,
blimey, knocking us up this time of night.
Seagoon: We're just testing a door
Red Bladder: Did it work?
Willium: We don't know. We're waiting
to see if anyone answers.
Red Bladder: Well I hope they hurry
up. I can't stand here all night with my door open. It's bad enough standing
here with it shut.
Willium: All right, lets start again
then. Knock, knock.
Red Bladder: Who's there?
Red Bladder: Cohen who?
Willium: Cohen answer the door.
Red Bladder: Ah, so your
Willium: No, it's me front
Seagoon: You're not going to get any
laughs. Let me try and be funny
Willium: That's a laugh for a start,
Seagoon: Red Bladder, we've come to
disconnect your phone.
Red Bladder: I haven't got
Seagoon: Don't worry, we've brought
one with us.
Red Bladder: All right little
jokers, come in.
Seagoon: Don't bother to wait up,
we'll lock up for you.
Red Bladder: OK, and don't forget
to put the cat out, he's a British spy.
Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you
give me away now. My disguise was perfect until you said that. Points to mums
old drawers painted to look like tabby cat.
Seagoon: Gad, it's secret agent
Bluebottle: Yee hee.
Seagoon: Just the fellow. Give me a
hand to remove the fort door and get it back to camp.
Bluebottle: But if we take it away
captain, they'll notice it.
Seagoon: Nonsense, if it's not there,
how can they notice it? If it was there they'd notice, but then there wouldn't
be anything to notice, would there? I mean if its not there they wouldn't notice
it. I mean, if it em.....hum.
and Bluebottle: [singing] Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the
waves, Britons never never never......
Orchestra: Dramatic link
Bloodnok: We must have that door of
the fort. Any news of Seagoon and his blacked up raiding party?
Greenslade: No sir, but we've
captured three natives who say they're Seagoon blacked up.
Bloodnok: What? Send them in.
Seagoon: Let me go. It's all a
mistake I tell you, let me go.
Bloodnok: Right, now then who are you
Seagoon: We're me, Seagoon. I'm not a
native, look, I'll roll my sleeves up.
Bloodnok: So, a native with european
Greenslade: Seagoon took the door
of the fort down to the locksmiths shop where even now they are making a
Fx: locksmith working type noises,
hammering on metal....
Lalkaka: I don't know what's
happening here, I don't understand.
Lakagee: Well in a minute you will
Lalkaka: Using a tantamount of
patience will bring it to a conclusion I say.
Lakagee: This is a job for
Lalkaka: You realise the
significance of getting this into....(muttering)....conjunction with
Lakagee: I do I do, yes
Lalkaka: Yes alright. Steady Mr
Lackagee. Most imperative that we keep this in great perspective so we can
condition right, you understand.
Lakagee: I totally understand what
you are saying.
Lakagee: One moment Mr Lalkaka, would
it not be more advantageous if we stood the door in the upright position.
Lalkaka: You are speaking line 3 and
I haven't spoken line 2 yet.
Lakagee: Ah but I am wondering
whether the line 1 you are saying was replaced with some other utterings
Lalkaka: You are going back bengali
babu, and in callicut long live. Missi give you three pints daily, but on
Lakagee: I get none.
Lalkaka: What will you do?
Lakagee: I shall die.
Lalkaka: Then your wife and children
Lakagee: They will make a bonfire of
Lalkaka: They will throw you in the
Lakagee: What will be the end of
Lalkaka: I don't know.
Lakagee: Oh dear.
Lalkaka: Now to test the key out in
the door we have made for this important door. Mr Lackagee, will you please hold
the end of the door in a position like so.
Lakagee: I will, I will, but Mr
Lalkaka, would it not be more adventageous if we stood the door in the upright
Lalkaka: Indeed, indeed Mr Lackagee,
that is a splendid idea, admitting. I will get Haveldar Singiz-Singh to hold the
door upright against his face.
Lakagee: Giving you credit for your
intelligence, I do not see the point of having Haveldar Singh holding the door
Lalkaka: Please letting me explain
the reason that it is, and simply the reason comes man. Now listen please.
Lakagee: I am listening. I am
Lalkaka: Will you kindly remain in a
condition of serenity and calm, and I will explain the whole principal of the
idea. Toodle pip.
Lakagee: Explain. Chin chin.
Lalkaka: Chin chin. Now the natural
position of the door is being upright, is that not right so?
Lakagee: Indeed yes, indeed
Lakagee: I am in complete accordment
with the statement you have just vouchsafed.
Lalkaka: Alright. Therefore in this
position we are able to make the requisite preparation for the testing of the
Lakagee: That is so, that is
Lalkaka: Now then,
Haveldar Singh: I am standing by
waiting immediately on your command.
Lakagee: Well rest your little curry
bag on the chair, and hold the door between yourself and us two persons on the
Fx: heavy object being moved
Lalkaka: Excellent indeed, now then,
we will insert the newly made key into the lock so.
Fx: scratching of key in lock
Lakagee: Oh dear dear
Lalkaka: What is the trouble?
Lakagee: It is not correctly fitting
into the lock.
Lalkaka: Haveldar Singh, a disaster
has occurred for you, we fear you are locked in.
Seagoon: There you are, gentlemen.
How's it going?
Lalkaka: Sir, the key we made will
not fit the Red Forts door.
Seagoon: I must find how to unlock
this door. It's the only way we can get into the fort. Has anyone here got a
Flowerdew: I've got one sir.
Seagoon: It's time you went on leave,
isn't it? Now, see if this hairpin opens it.
Fx: Key scratching in lock and then
Seagoon: There! Got it.
Red Bladder: Here, I hope you put
that cat out.
Seagoon: The Red Bladder! Major
Fx: Horse runs up.
Bloodnok: What is it?
Seagoon: I've got The Red Bladder
imprisoned behind this door.
Bloodnok: What? Let's look round the
back. There's nobody there.
Seagoon: He's escaped. Anyway major,
you'll be pleased to know we've got the door to open.
Bloodnok: Let me try.
Red Bladder: So Bloodnok, hands
Bloodnok: [screams], let me go.
Seagoon: Good heavens, the Red
Bladders captured Major Bloodnok. I'll have to get this door back to the Red
Fort at once and liberate Bloodnok. Fall in a volunteer for a dangerous
Grams: Stampede of boots running
Eccles: But dat only leaves me.
[applause] Ta, ta, there'll be a silver
collection later, what.
Seagoon: Splendid Eccles, I want you
to guard that door with your life
Eccles: Okay. [mutters leftrightleftright as he marches back and
forward] There's something funny going on here. I don't know about you
folks, but I think it's silly guarding a door. Wait a minute, instead of me
walking round it, I'll open it and walk through. That way I'll get to the other
Grams: Door opens. Immediate sounds of
battle, lots of shooting etc.
Seagoon: You fool Eccles, you've let
all the mutineers out. Quick, after them.
Fx: running feet
Orchestra: dramatic link
Captain Hugh Jampton: Meanwhile,
inside the Red Fort.
Red Bladder: Come Bloodnok, sign
this document giving India to us.
Bloodnok: Codswaggle me dongolas,
never, never. Torture me. Lock me in a dark room with six beautiful women. I'll
Red Bladder: Very well, I won't
lock you in a dark room with six beautiful women.
Bloodnok: Thank heavens, saved.
Red Bladder: Instead, me challenge
you to a duel. Name your weapons.
Bloodnok: One pair of clean
Red Bladder: Cor blimey, what you
Bloodnok: I challenge you to a battle
of wits, namely a nineteenth century underpant wearing contest. We stand back to
back and the first man to wear out the seat of his pants dies, of
Red Bladder: I accept.
Bloodnok: Are you ready? Back to
back. Now, forty eight thousand paces, quick march.
Fx: Booted feet march into
Bloodnok: Well, that got rid of
Red Bladder: That's what you
Bloodnok: Aaaaah. You swine, you let
your legs go without you.
Red Bladder: Bloodnok, your time
Red Bladder: Stand up against the
Red Bladder: Firing squad,
Narrator: Meanwhile, Seagoons relief
Fx: Marching column
Seagoon: We must hurry men. Left,
left, left right left.
Narrator: Back at the Fort.
Red Bladder: Take aim.
Narrator: Back at the Seagoon.
Seagoon: Faster men, faster.
Fx: faster marching
Narrator: Back at the fort.
Red Bladder: Any last requests
Bloodnok: Yes, don't shoot me.
Narrator: Back at the fort. Back at
Seagoon: Hurry men, faster.
Narrator: While, back at the
Red Bladder: Fire.
Fx: Firing squad fire.
Narrator: Back at the Seagoon.
Seagoon: Halt. Too late. Fall out
lads, get your money. See you next week.
Greenslade: It's all in the mind
Orchestra: End theme - "Ding Dong the
Witch is Dead"
Greenslade: That was The Goon
Show. A BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, and Spike
Milligan; with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray. The Orchestra was
conducted by Wally Scott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer
Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Roy Spear.
Transcription by Duncan Gray email@example.com
Corrections, additions and HTML by Kurt Adkins: firstname.lastname@example.org