Series 5, Episode 21, Broadcast 15 February 1955 The Sinking Of Westminster Pier ORCHESTRA: TA DA! Wallace: Clear the floor for the East Acton Working Man's Club Crazy Cabaret Harry: Act number one is the highly esteemed - Goon Show! ORCHESTRA: TA DA! Harry: Now, Mr. Greenslade, put down that Radio Times, cast off that bamboo kilt and give the listeners the old posh chat there. Do the old wireless talk, Wal, go on Wal, right up you, Wal Wallace: Ladies and gentlemen this week, as stated in the Radio Times, we give you the Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street Harry: Sorry, Greenslade, we're not doing that, Wallace Wallace: Oh yes we are Harry: Not this week, no Wallace: But we are, you see on page 24 of my Radio Times it states quite clearly "The Six Ingots Of Leadenhall Street" Harry: I know, but we changed it, you see Wallace: But the Radio Times never lies! Peter: (Announcer) Tonight we give you the story of the port of London authorities valuable hand-carved oil-painted valuable floating pier ORCHESTRA: LONE WAILING VIOLIN OVER SPEECH Peter: (exaggerated narrator / poet )Oooooh, 'twas the month of February in 1955, when the valuable floating pier at Westminster suddenly took a dive. On board the sinking pier Fred Harding was having his tea, when the icy waters closed over his head and he screamed - (Violin stops) Harry: (strained voice, unemotional) Oh deary me! Peter: (Violin starts again) But 600 Westminster firemen with hook and ladder and line, worked with tigerish courage sank the whole lot before 9! And oooooh! GRAMS: BUBBLING OF DROWNING OBJECT ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC DESCENDING CHORDS FX: 3 HITS OF A JUDICIAL HAMMER Peter: (Spiv) Attention, Westminster Councillors! Enquiry in to the sinking of the valuable Westminster Peer on the 7th of Feb 1955 is now in the old session, there! Chairman Mr. Ned Seagoon - and a right charley he looks in that cardboard trilby over there! Neddy: (clears throat) Gentlemen, for the Port of London Authority I must state the day before the valuable Westminster Pier sank it was inspected and certified river-worthy Spike: Who was the man who inspected it? Peter: (Spiv) It was none other than - Neddy: I resign! Peter: Resignation accepted on the grounds of incompetence, anyone else want the old job, there? Neddy: I'll take it on Peter: Right, name? Neddy: Ned Seagoon Peter: Same as the last bloke, all right carry on Neddy: Now did anyone actually see the Pier sink? Willium: Yes mate, Jim Tula Neddy: Then why isn't he here? Willium: He went down with it, mate Neddy: I see. Right- lunch! GRAMS: HUNDREDS OF FEET RUNNING OUT OF BUILDING Peter: Here wait minute! Wait! Wait! Wait a minute! We've got some more witnesses yet Neddy: Oh, very well. Throat? Throat: Yes? Neddy: Postpone lunch Throat: Right Neddy: Good Throat: Right Peter: Next witness! FX: VERY SLOW FOOTSTEPS GRADUALLY GETTING CLOSER AND THEN WALKING AWAY, DOOR SLAMS Neddy: Right, next witness! What? No one else? Right - lunch! GRAMS: HUNDREDS OF FEET RUNNING OUT OF BUILDING Eccles: Stop! Hello! Neddy: Who are you, you ragged idiot? Eccles: I'm the famous Eccles Neddy: Famous? I've never heard of you Eccles: What? You've heard of Clapham Common!? Neddy: Yes Eccles: Well you mind what you say Neddy: What? Now look here let's get down to the important question, what caused a valuable Westminster Pier to sink? Willium: As a member of the police, may I make a suggestion, mate? Neddy: Police? You're not Fagin of the yard Willium: No, I can't act for toffee, I can't Neddy: Neither can he. Now, do you suspect sabotage? Willium: No, he's in the clear Neddy: Then whom do you suspect? Willium: Russian frogmen dunnit, mate Neddy: What is their motive? Willium: Oo, I don't in to their private affairs, mate, I just accuses 'em, that's all Neddy: Are you sure the Russians did it? Willium: Well I 'aint, mate, but it looks good on the report sheet, dunnit? Neddy: Hmmmmm - right, lunch! GRAMS: HUNDREDS OF FEET RUNNING OUT OF BUILDING, PIGS SNORTING Wallace: Meantime, on a fish train, travelling from Leeds to Salisbury MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA Neddy: For a week we tried to raise the valuable sunken Westminster Pier, but failed miserably. Then yesterday a professor offered me a service Henry: Good morning Neddy: Good morning, sir Minnie: Good morning, buddy Neddy: (laughing to himself) Good morning buddy, yes. So you think you can raise the pier. ey? Minnie and Henry: Oh yes, yes! We can! We've done it any times! Neddy: Splendid. Now, what is your profession? Minnie and Henry: Ooooh! Minnie: We're Oyster Sexers Neddy: Oyster sexers? Minnie: Yes, we can tell the difference, you know? Neddy: At your age that must be quite a revelation. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in oyster sexing Henry: Ah, but you're not an oyster, are you? Neddy: Mr. Crun - Henry: What what hat? Neddy: If I was an oyster I wouldn't be here. Can't have an oyster as chairman of the Westminster Pie Salvage Committee can you? Henry: Why not, ey? Why not? It's a free country isn't it? Why shouldn't an oyster be chairman? Neddy: Because an oyster can't talk Henry: Have you ever spoken to one? Neddy: Hhhmmmm, no! Minnie and Henry: Aaaah! Henry: So you don't know, do you? Minnie: No Henry: No, no. Now look, we've got an oyster here Minnie: Fred Henry: Yes, put it on the desk, there you are Min - FX: SHELL ON DESK (COCONUT SHELLS) Henry: There, go on, speak to it! Neddy: Speak to it? This is absurd, I, I can't - Minnie: No, go on buddy, yakaboo! Speak to it, speak to it! Neddy: No, I refuse. I can't - Henry: Yes you can, try. Then you can find out if it can speak Minnie: Yes! Neddy: (clears throat) Um..... Good morning! Ha-ha! This is madness! You can't - Henry: You'll have to speak louder he can't hear you Neddy: Of course not, the oyster's closed Henry: Closed? Wednesday! Of course, it's early closing! Minnie and Henry: Shout loud to it! Shout loud to it! Neddy: (louder) Good morning, I see that it's early closing for oysters GRAMS: FRED THE OYSTER: SHELL SCRAPES AS IT TURNS, CREAKS OPEN, DONKEY EEE-AUGHS TWICE, RASBERRY, CREAKS SHUT, SHELL CLOSES Neddy: How dare he do that to me, give me that oyster here! (gulps) There, that's the last you'll hear of him (belches) Pardon! Minnie: Oooooh! You naughty man, you've eaten Fred our oyster Henry: We'll call the police constable! Neddy: (over their shouts) Get out of here! You can't - FX: WHILE THE THREE ARGUE DOOR IS TAKEN OFF HINGES, FADE AWAY, DOOR SLAMMED SHUT Neddy: Good heavens! Is there no one who can salvage the highly valuable Westminster Pier? I'd pay anything! GRAMS: WHOOSH! Moriarty: Ooooh! Pardon me, my ami, mon card Neddy: Thank you, but there's nothing on it! Moriarty: Look on the other side Neddy: Oh, that's a silly place to have it printed - on the back! What's this? "Messrs Fred Moriarty Ltd. - Sunken Westminster Floating Pier Salvage Expert"? Gad! Just the man we want! Moriarty: Supristi! You mean the Westminster floating Pier has sunk? Neddy: Yes Moriarty: At last - employment! All these years I've waited! Neddy: Well tell me, how do we raise the pier? Moriarty: Oh, don't raise the pier! Neddy: What then? Moriarty: Lower the river Neddy: Gad! Genius! Absolute genius! But can you do it? Moriarty: Supristi yacka-backaras of course I can. My partner, the Honourable Grytpype-Thynne is the greatest water remover in the world! Follow me! GRAMS: WHOOSH! WHOOSH! FX: KNOCKING ON DOOR Grytpype-Thynne: Come in! FX: DOOR OPENS GRAMS: SWIMMING THROUGH WATER OVER SPEECH Neddy: I entered a room 4 foot deep in water. Up to his neck in it Grytpype- Thynne was sitting on a rubber dinghy smoking a Jim-filled Hooker Grytpype-Thynne: Ah Neddy! Have a glass of water Neddy: (gulp) Thank you Grytpype-Thynne: Have another. Drink as much as you can Neddy: Why? Grytpype-Thynne: The basement's flooded Neddy: But I thought you were an expert water remover Grytpype-Thynne: Oh I am, it's my day off! Neddy: I see Grytpype-Thynne: So you want us to lower the level of the Thames? Neddy: Yes Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, well that will be 30 bob a day for the hire of the pumps Neddy: Pumps? Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, I always wear them, they don't draw the feet, you know? I hate having my feet drawn, except by Graham Sutherland. then for the work, well the work shall we say 10 pounds for every hour pumping? Neddy: 10 pounds for every hour? Grytpype-Thynne: I accept! Sign here please And here! And here! FX: SCRATCHING OF PEN NIB ON PAPER Grytpype-Thynne: And here! And on this cheque. Now this one. And here! This small cheque here. Bank guarantee, mortgage, pawn ticket, here's your insurance policy, just there! This contract! Indemnity clause here! Watch, chain, thank you! Now have a glass of water Neddy: (gulp) Thank you Grytpype-Thynne: Splendid. I want you to drink as much as you can Neddy: Why, is it good for me? Grytpype-Thynne: No, good for my grandmother Neddy: Why? Grytpype-Thynne: She's under all this lot. Right, Neddy, we'll be there in the morning and I take it you'll have the money ready, hmm? Neddy: Yes. Hurrah! Then tomorrow my name will be famous. Neddy Seagoon - the man who raised the Westminster sunken floating Pier and the good old Port of London Authorities flag will fly once more and the crowd will sing - (singing) For he's a jolly good Seagoon! For he's a jolly good Seagoon! For he's a jolly good Seeagoooooon and so say all of us! Grytpype-Thynne: You silly twisted boy Neddy: Thank you. Then you'll start pumping out the river tomorrow, ey? Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, 'til tomorrow then, Neddy Neddy: A demain! FX: DOOR SLAMS Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty!? We shall make a fortune out of this charley. But first let us hear Gladys Ellington and her lean Water Baby MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET "MY LEAN LADY" Wallace: And now, the Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street part 3, in which Neddy Seagoon is attacked by a drink crazed Peruvian Trombonist with rumpled feet and then - Harry: Wallace, we're not doing that this week Wallace: But page 24 of my Radio Time says - Harry: I don't care what your Radio Times says, Wallace, we're not doing it! Wallace: But the Editor is a friend of mine and the Radio Times never lies! Harry: I don't care! We're not doing it Wallace (fades out) Peter: (exaggerated theatrical narrator) Oooooh! ORCHESTRA: LONE VIOLIN OVER SPEECH Peter: So Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne started to pump the river, and as the weather was very cold sometimes they were both want for to shiver. They pumped and pumped but the River Thames didn't get any lower, but this didn't worry Grytpype-Thynne as he was being paid by the hour. And Oooooh, the pump fiend did pump and roar GRAMS: HEAVY MACHINERY PUMPING OVER SPEECH Moriarty: (singing) April in Paris, not in blossom Grytpype-Thynne: How much does he owe us no, Moriarty? Moriarty: Er, we've pumped 60,000 gallons - that's 3 Million Pounds Grytpype-Thynne: Lovely, lovely Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty: (singing) April in Paris, just not in blossom, her comes the charley! Neddy: I say! I say, Grytpype!? Grytpype-Thynne: Ah Neddy, have a glass of water Neddy: (gulp) Thanks Grytpype-Thynne: Every little helps, you know? Neddy: That's just it. You've been pumping for 8 weeks now and the river hasn't gone down 1 inch! Grytpype-Thynne: Well you can't rush these things, laddie. You've come to pay us the old - Neddy: yes, yes. Here it is, 3 million pounds FX: CASH REGISTER Grytpype-Thynne: Thank you Neddy: But that's the last of it, you know? Treasury's nearly broke! Grytpype-Thynne: Nonsense. Have a glass of water Neddy: (gulp) Thank you. Now listen, if in the next 24 hours the river is still full of water the government is going to step in Grytpype-Thynne: Good riddance to them! Now let's see, e have 3 million, Moriarty (goes off singing "April in Paris") Neddy: Wait! I say, wait! Where were they pumping all the water to? It wad then I noticed a long pipe. I followed it, along the Embankment, past Vauxhall, Chelsea Bridge, Putney Bridge, Barmsbridge, Malt Lake Brewery - hmm! Malt Lake Brewery! FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, SLAMS DOOR, LONG PAUSE, DOOR HANDLE TURNED Neddy: (drunk, singing) April in Paris, Aaaaaaapri (hiccup) GRAMS: MAN FALLING IN WATER, SPLASHING IN WATER Neddy: (distant)Heeeelp! Heeelp! I'm drowning, and I'm with the dreaded alcohol! Bloodnok: (over splashing and calls) Thud me ninging nurgelers, is it? Gad, but no! Where's me old photographs? It's me old bat man Neddy Seagoon having a swim in mid-February, the naughty man! I say, Old Seagoon, it's me! Neddy: Heeeeelp! Bloodnok: Me, Major Bloodnok, of the Third Regular Army Deserters. I say, Seagoon, remember that day in Puna at the Muratari's Restaurant? Oh she was a boutique biddy, oh yes! Neddy: I'm drowning! Bloodnok: Don't interrupt, please. I took her to Grant road and - what? Drowning, you say? Surely not drowning! Neddy: Heeeeeelp! Bloodnok: Not Neddy Seagoon drowning, not my old bat man, not drowning! Why you were the plunging and trudgeon stroke champion of Turkey weren't you? Let me see, it must have been 1903 I - Neddy: (gurgling water) Help me! Bloodnok: 1904! I remember now. Save you, lad? I can't swim, lad. But wait a moment, I know a fellow at Hackney who's an excellent swimmer. I'll go and get him. Lend me the cab fare, lad Neddy: Get me out! Bloodnok: What? Give us your hand then GRAMS: STRUGGLING TO GET MAN OUT OF WATER Neddy: (closer) Thanks, there's five shillings - FX: COINS JANGLING Neddy: Now hurry up and get him before I drown Bloodnok: Right. No no, wait! You're soaking wet! Laddie, let we wring out your wallet, and that watch! That gold Hunter, they mustn't be dropped in water these Hunters you know!? It will get ruined in that water. Oh you naughty man you! I'll preserve it for you, lad. Now take off that damp money belt you have on, my goodness you mustn't have those sort of things. That's right, lad. Now off with those wet clothes, coat and trousers, vest and underpants, shoes and - (under breath) Oh we'll flog this lot - Good Heavens man! What? You can't stand there naked, get back in the water, there! Neddy: Right! Hup! GRAMS: HUGE SPLASH Neddy: (distant) Heeeeelp! Bloodnok: I say, wait there, don't go away GRAMS: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS GOING INTO DISTANCE Neddy: I never saw him again. I dragged myself ashore on a pipe. A pipe that I discovered - so this was Grytpype's game, ey? He'd been pumping water out of the Thames at Westminster and back to the river at Malt Lake. The crook! That night I decided to revenge myself on Grytpype, and to destroy the pump for and on the behalf of the Port of London Authority GRAMS: BIG BEN CHIMES OVER SPEECH Neddy: (whisper) Shhh! This way! Got the dynamite? Bluebottle: I have got the dynamite, my Captain. Enter Bluebottle, pauses for light audience sausanges, thank you! Moves forward under gas light as done by George Raft in "I am the Law". Thinks: I have moved under the gas light as done by George Raft in "I am the Law"! Neddy: Shhh! Eccles? Eccles: Eccles? Oh, that's me! Neddy: Help little Bluebottle arrange the dynamite Eccles: Okay. You ready to start, Bluebottle? Bluebottle: Yes, I'm ready. Pulls out cardboard cut-out sword Eccles: Ooh! Mind what you're doing! Bluebottle: Long live the Port of London Authorities. I will not rest until the forces of evil are swattinged! And the valuable Westminster Pier is raised! Thinks: I will not rest until the forces of evil - Neddy: Shut up! Eccles: Shut up! Neddy: Shut up Eccles! Eccles: Shut up Eccles! Neddy: Come on, get the rest of the dynamite off Ellington's head Eccles: Come on now! Ray: Me carry dynamite! Me strong! Bluebottle: Are you strong Ellington? Ray: Me strong! Bluebottle: Ooh! Are you strong, Eccles? Eccles: No, I 'aint strong, are you? Bluebottle: No, but Ellington's strong Eccles: I 'aint strong Bluebottle: He is! Ray: Me strong! Wallace: While our heroes are deciding who is strong we take you now in to Mr. Seagoon's stomach to hear how the oyster has fared GRAMS: BUBBLING AND WAILING VOICES Peter: (wildlife presenter Attenborough) And here along the great Geordinal Tract of the great Seagoon intestine I see approaching the boiled spuds he had for breakfast, followed by closely that foul meat-loaf salad he noshed at the BBC canteen. There's no sign yet of the oyster, but yes! Here now comes a dirty great dollop of steam duff and three quarts of mild that he woofed down during the rehearsals. And yes! Here comes four pounds of mixed chocolate and 8 pints of tea, soup, liquorice allsorts and lastly the oyster! GRAMS: PETER CROONING "I'M ONLY A LONELY ROUND VAGABOND, FOR GOOD NIGHT -", DONKEY EEE- AUGHS TWICE, MARCH MUSIC AND MARCHING FOOTSTEPS VERY FAST, ATTACK TRUMPET, SCREAMS OF BATTLE AND TRUMPETS AND BANGS Neddy: Now to arrange for a new Westminster floating Pier GRAMS: WHOOSH! Moriarty: Ah, there's no need for that. Look we have a new one already made for you Neddy: Good Heavens! By Jupiter! Etcetera Etcetera! And I thought you were both villains! Moriarty: Augh! Listen, you go aboard and examine it at once Neddy: By Jove, I'll do just that! Grytpype-Thynne: Have you bored holes in the bottom, Moriarty? Moriarty: Yes, it will sink in 10 minutes (sings) April in Paris! Bluebottle: Oh, Captain! I've lit the dynamite under the pump - Oh! Hee-hee! You're not my captain! You're Moriarty, the forces of Evils! Moriarty: You're going to blow up our pump? You run right back and put that dynamite out Bluebottle: But it's burning! Moriarty: Get back at once! Bluebottle: All right! GRAMS: WHOOSH! Bluebottle: (far away) It hasn't burnt down quite yet, so I'll - GRAMS: BOOM! BRICKS AND METAL BARS HIT GROUND Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you! I'm fed up with being deaded every week. Eccles never gets deaded, why doesn't Eccles ever get dead - GRAMS: BOOM! Eccles: (distant) Your rotten swine, Bluebottle! Bluebottle: Tee-hee! That's better! Tee-hee! Exits left, much happier. Picks up loose bones, shins and spare feet Neddy: Ah! There you are, Grytpype Grytpype-Thynne: So I am Neddy: I must say that this new pier you provided is absolutely perfect. I'll buy it! Grytpype-Thynne: Right, sign here, (FX: PEN SCRATCHING PAPER) here, this cheque, bank guarantee, credit note, postal orders, travellers cheques and finally sign this will. There, good lad! Moriarty? Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty: One, two, hup - GRAMS: BIG SPLASH Neddy: (distant) Heeelp! Moriarty: Taxi? Gatwick Airport please GRAMS: WHOOSH WHOOSH! Neddy: (distant) Heeeelp! Bloodnok: Thud me cringing nurglers, is it? It can't be! Where's me old photographs Neddy: (distant) Heeeelp! Bloodnok: It's my old bat man Neddy Seagoon Neddy: (distant) Oh no, go away - Bloodnok: I've got a money belt - Neddy: Go away! (fades out with the two screaming at each other) Wallace: Ladies, according to page 24 of my radio Times, you should have been hearing the Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street, but I fear the Goons have lied to the Editor and not carried out the intended story. It's a disgrace- Goodnight! ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton. Bloodnok: Gad, it's the old wireless star Greenslade, oh yes! ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE AND PLAY OUT