Series 5, Episode 11, Broadcast 7 December 1954 The Spanish Suitcase Wallace: This is the BBC Home Service Grytpype: Oh dear! Wallace: Never-the-less, this is the BBC Home Service, my almamata! Bluebottle: OlŽ! Harry: That olŽ of olŽs can only herald the coming of the highly esteemed Goon Show! GRAMS: PANIC STRICKEN AUDIENCE RUNNING OUT, DOOR SLAMS Harry: Who unlocked the doors? Mr. Greenslade, emergency music! GRAMS: "THE ARCHERS" THEME TUNE AND ANIMAL NOISES Harry: Stop! (GRAMS stop) I knew that would get them back in. Heads above the trough! (country accent) Now then, Dan Greenslade, me dear, tell 'em as 'ow we're going to be doing that there Goon Show. I'll be off to mend my tractor Wallace: (country accent) Aaaaah, aaalright me own dear Ned Archer, I reckon as all we'll be having a ripe harvest of compost from 'im tonight! Wallace and Harry: Aaaaaah! Peter: (woman) Hello you two, still arguing about the old cow? Wallace: Aaaaaaaah! Peter: Where's Daddy? Wallace: Well he were asking if them beams up in the barn were strong Harry: Ay, he asked I that, he did, he asked I that then he went up there with a coil of rope and a noose around his neck Peter: No no, he - oh look! GRAMS: "THE ARCHERS" END THEME TUNE Peter: (himself) Easy money! Harry: (himself) Right, Greenslade, off with that there dumb smock and into a serious vein Wallace: (himself) Right sir. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is - Harry: Mr. Greenslade, how many words have you said up to now? Wallace: Oh, about two dozen? Harry: Hmm, well, carry on for a bit Wallace: Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight - Harry: Stop! That's your lot. Ladies and Gentlepong, tonight's drama takes place in Spain, the famous Spanish land. ORCHESTRA: GRAND OPENING Peter: (Spanish) It is the summer of 1802, there in Madrid a young semi- human lord is on vacation. GRAMS: SPANISH CROWD SCENE AND MUSIC QUIETLY BEHIND SPEECH Neddy: Ah yes, how I love the music of the banjo! As I sat there, I was spellbound by the Spanish dancer. the flash of her dazzling teeth as she swirled and gyrated to the throbbing beat of the Flamingo. Unable to contain myself, I sprang into the middle of the floor, tore off my clothes and did: the Palais Glide! (GRAMS stop) Spike: Not a pretty sight! Wallace: My name is Wallace Greenslade, I was in Spain at the time and the next morning I saw Ned Seagoon exhausted by his night of sensuous Morris dancing, sitting on his big white-washed hacienda Spike: Still not a pretty sight! Neddy: I sat there sipping a glass of coal and scrumming a stropper when a brown hand fell on my shoulder Moriarty: Ah, pardon me, but did a brown hand just fall on your shoulder? Neddy: Is it yours? Moriarty: Yes, thank you Neddy: OlŽ! Moriarty: OlŽ! Neddy: OlŽ! Moriarty: OlŽ! Neddy: OlŽ! Moriarty: OlŽ! garbled French Neddy: I gave him a guarded oui! Moriarty: So, the senšr is a foreigner! Neddy: I beg your pardon!? I'm British! Moriarty: I know, but this is Madrid Neddy: Ha ha ha! A natural mistake, there are so many foreigners here that you took mistook me for one Moriarty: OlŽ! Neddy: OlŽ! Moriarty: OlŽ! My name is Count Moriarty, Inspector of the Carbioneri, Spanish police, you understand? Neddy: I understand Moriarty: Yes. I am looking for clues in the recent jewel robbery at the Castello de Berkoff, senšr Neddy: Ah yes, quite a bit of jewellery lost I believe Moriarty: Yes, I might say that whoever planned the robbery must have been a man of the highest intelligence with the courage of a liar Neddy: So you suspect me Moriarty: No. Moriarty: OlŽ! Neddy: OlŽ! Moriarty: OlŽ! A Britisher has already been incasseroled in the Madrid jail, and sentenced to 94 years, senšr Neddy: So he was found guilty, ey? Moriarty: I don't know, they haven't tried him yet Neddy: Do you think they suspect him? Moriarty: That's difficult to say Neddy: "Do you think they suspect him?" It is a bit hard to say, yes; you try it Moriarty: Yes. Do-you-think-they-sus-pect-him? Neddy: Of course they suspect him Moriarty: What? Neddy: Why, he's even been sentenced to 94 years in jail! Moriarty: Caramba! How did you hear this? Neddy: Two little things called ears Moriarty: You cunning English, you have everything. Why, that's what I came here to tell you! Neddy: Tell me what? Moriarty: That this Britisher has been sentenced to 94 years in jail Neddy: Do you think they suspect him? Moriarty: That's difficult to say Peter: (himself) Perhaps there's something to say for "The Archers" after all. OlŽ! Moriarty: OlŽ! The important thing, senšr, is that we have not yet recovered the jewels. Somewhere there is a little Spanish suitcase Grytpype: Ah, good morning Neddy: I turned to meet this accomplished linguist. He was a thin man aglow with lurgi. He wore a white linen suit so cunningly tailored that it left his hands and face naked Grytpype: OlŽ! Neddy: OlŽ! Moriarty: OlŽ! Neddy: OlŽ! Moriarty: OlŽ! Neddy: I motioned him to sit down, but he refused Grytpype: Naturally, I was in the middle of the road Grytpype: OlŽ! Neddy: OlŽ! Moriarty: OlŽ! Grytpype: May I introduce myself, I am the Honourable Grytpype-Thynne, British Ambassador in Siberia Neddy: There is no embassy in Siberia Grytpype: I know, it's all so terribly frustrating Neddy: Well, what are you doing over here? Grytpype: It's my day off Neddy: OlŽ! Moriarty: OlŽ! Grytpype: Now what I - by Jove senšr Moriarty! Moriarty: What is it? Grytpype: Look it's extraordinary Moriarty: Caramba! The resemblance is amazing Neddy: They were both looking closely at my face, but I didn't mind; I like giving pleasure to people Grytpype: Yes, senšr Seagoon, are you by any chance related to the famous English bullfighter Major El Bloodnok? Neddy: Yes, we're both British Grytpype: Mmm, identical! Look, here is a photo of Major El Bloodnok Neddy: Hmm, well I don't look anything like him Grytpype: That is the amazing part - he doesn't look anything like you either, so you're identically different Neddy: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po All three: Good! Grytpype: Ah, Neddy, lad. You will be the saviour of British prestige Moriarty: Of course, but allow me to explain to him the honour that is about to befall him. (Grytpype: Nakos Nakos Moriarty: Los Nakos, yes Neddy: Yakka Baku! Moriarty: Thank you). Now, please, tomorrow senšr Seagoon at the Arena Del Torros Bloodnok should have fought the great Alanucian bull. Unfortunately he, ur, he can not appear. Ah! but fortunately you shall take his place Neddy: Oh no no no, the crowd will recognise that I'm not El Bloodnok Grytpype: Yes, but the bull won't Neddy: I tell you, no no no, I can't. Where is El Bloodnok anyway? Grytpype: Well unfortunately he is in jail for 94 yea - er - 48 hours, you understand, a minor offence, nothing at all Neddy: But Count Moriarty, you're inspector of Spanish police, surely you can get him released for the fight? Moriarty: Ah yes, you know I'm a police inspector, but the police don't Neddy: I see, I see, secret service ey? But surely they'll know you at the jail Moriarty: Only too well, that is why I have to keep away Grytpype: Wait, Mor-I-Arty Moriarty: What? Grytpype: All the police know is that there's a Britisher serving a 2 day sentence Moriarty: Yes brilliant Grytpype: Yes of course Moriarty: Yes, if we can get a Britisher who looks like El Bloodnok he could take his place in the jail while El Bloodnok fought the bull Neddy: El Bloodnok must fight the bull Grytpype: Splendid! Now Seagoon, just try on this moustache for size Neddy: But I can't take his place in jail, after all I - Grytpype: Now look Seagoon, it's only 2 days and think of British prestige Neddy: Very well, for the honour of our island heritage Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you! Neddy: OlŽ! Grytpype: OlŽ! Neddy: OlŽ! Grytpype: Max Geldray take us to the Madrid Jail MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA Wallace: While Max Geldray was playing Ned Seagoon, brilliantly disguised as Major Bloodnok, took his place in jail. It was a masterpiece of escapology. Grytpype: We would like to show you how it was done but - well - we might want to use the method again Spike: In any case, it wasn't a pretty sight FX: KEYS BEING JANGLED AND A HEAVY DOOR BEING OPENED Ray: Well, there's your supper FX: CUTLERY BEING PLACED ON THE FLOOR Neddy: Yum yum! Din dins! Thank you, you play the game by me, jailer, I'll reward you when I'm released Ray: Man, I'll be dead when you come out! Neddy: You're not ill are you? Ray: Oh no no no, but I'm 25 now and I won't live forever Neddy: But I'm only here for 2 days Ray: Oh that's rich! Ha ha ha ! You do the biggest jewel robbery and you say that - 2 days? Ha ha ha ha ha ! FX: KEYS JANGLED AND HEAVY PRISON DOOR OPEN AND CLOSED Spike: It's tricky for Seagoon, isn't it? ORCHESTRA: SPANISH LINK MUSIC Wallace: Listeners, as you all know so well, where the Calle de Carla meets the Prada in the Plaza of Madrid, stands the Hotel Fred. I was staying there as a guest of Senšr Henry Crun, the manager Henry: Let me see, how many rooms do we have booked now? Number 1: Senšr and Senšra Smith; Number 2: Senšr and Senšra Smith; 3, 4, 5, 6, 7: Senšr and Senšra Smith; 9, 10, 11: all Smith! Hmmm, just like our lovely little hotel in Brighton! FX: HOTEL BELL RINGING Moriarty: Attention please, senšr. Buenos dias, Buenos dias. My name is Count Moriarty Henry: OlŽ! Moriarty: OlŽ! Henry: OlŽ! Moriarty: Well done Henry: I'll get a room ready for you Moriarty: I don't want a room Henry: Well you can't stay here, then Moriarty: Mr. Old Man, I am a great amigo of Major El Bloodnoko Henry: Ah, noko niko niku Moriarty: Well said! Henry: he's gone, you know? Moriarty: Who? Henry: Bloodnoko, which reminds me - Minnie! Minnie: Si, Henry? Henry: What's that Minnie? Minnie: I said si Henry Henry: I'll get my glasses, Minnie Minnie: Si si si, Buddie! In Spain we say si si! Henry: Oh yes, si si si. Minnie? Minnie: What? Henry: ChangŽ le caballeo parle de haciendo 23 Minnie: What's that Henry? Henry: ChangŽ le caballeo parle de haciendo 23. Now, Minnie, did you hear what I said to you? Minnie: Si, you said changŽ le caballeo parle de haciendo 23 Henry: Si si, so why don't you do it? Minnie: What does it mean, Henry? Henry: It means change the sheets in 23 Minnie: In Spain we say si si Henry: Stop that modern foreign madrigal and change the sheets Minnie: Ying Bong Iddle I Henry: What what what? Moriarty: Please, please, supresti-knuckles Henry: Knuckles? Moriarty: I'm here about Major El Bloodnok Henry: yes yes, Major Bloodnok he's in jail you know? Moriarty: Yes yes, he asked me to collect his suitcase. A black Spanish Suitcase Henry: Oh yes yes, I sent it down to the jail Moriarty: Caramba Knuckles! This old fool has given the suitcase to Seagoon. Old Man, did you deliver this suitcase personally? Henry: Yes I gave it to Major Bloodnok, but he kept saying he was Ned Seagoon Moriarty: Supristi-Carambi! GRAMS: WHOOSH! Wallace: I watched the hurrying figure of Moriarty with my binoculars as he went towards the Congressa De Los BottalŽs. There he was met by a man heavily disguised as Ned Seagoon Spike: Not a pretty sight! Bloodnok: Ah Moriarty! Now where's the suitcase? Moriarty: It's in jail Bloodnok: But it's innocent! Moriarty: Never the less, it is there. Now, this si the only way we can get out: you must go in! Bloodnok: Me? But why don't you go in? Moriarty: Impossible, they would recognise at once that I was not you Bloodnok: But I'm disguised as Seagoon Moriarty: Exactly, they'll have nothing against you. You can go to jail with the knowledge that you're perfectly innocent Bloodnok: Very well, for the sake of my old Spanish Suitcase Moriarty: I'll make arrangements in Spanish with the jailer. Ellington! Ray: Yes? Moriarty: Look the other way, knuckles! Ray: Right! MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET Wallace: Let us now re-cap Neddy: I'm innocent, I tell you! Wallace: Originally Major Bloodnok was in jail for 94 years suspected of the jewel robbery Neddy: I'm innocent Wallace: Innocent young Seagoon, heavily disguised as major Bloodnok was en wriggled into taking Bloodnok's place Neddy: I really am innocent, I really am Wallace: In the meantime Major Bloodnok heavily disguised as Ned Seagoon was once again at large trying to collect the much sought after Spanish suitcase Neddy: And I'm completely innocent! Wallace: Seagoon, realising he's been duped, removed his disguise and revealed himself as Ned Seagoon Neddy: I am Ned Seagoon, I'm innocent! Wallace: To his horror the Spanish police then believed that he had committed the robbery heavily disguised as Major Bloodnok Neddy: It's not true, sir, I really am innocent! I really am! Wallace: Meantime Mr. Crun sent the Spanish Suitcase to Ned Seagoon in jail Neddy: Lying there innocent! Wallace: Believing him to be Major Bloodnok Neddy: I've been tricked, I'm an innocent prawn, porn, pawn! I demand justice! I'm innocent! Wallace: Now Major Bloodnok is being smuggled back into jail in order to retrieve the Spanish Suitcase, and may I take this opportunity of reminding listeners to post early for Christmas FX: KEYS JANGLING AND HEAVY PRISON DOOR OPENED Ray: Come on, in you get! Get in there, you'll be company for the other two FX: JANGLING KEYS AND HEAVY PRISON DOOR SHUT Bloodnok: Ah, it's good to be back home! Any mail? Neddy: Thank Heavens! It's good to be able to talk to a human being Bloodnok: But he said there were two of you in here Eccles: Um de dum de dum de dum de dum Bloodnok: I understand what you mean Eccles: So do I Bloodnok: Let me introduce myself, I am Major El Bloodnok Neddy: What? You're the cause of my being in here! Help! Help! Bloodnok: No no no, don't take on so. I've come back to help you, haven't I? Neddy: I wish it wasn't so dark in here, I'd like you to see the scorn and disbelief in my face Bloodnok: Neddy, lad, I have a plan to get us out Neddy: What? Bloodnok: (whispering) Listen, give me your eat. Now listen (whispers incoherently, then speaks in normal voice) Have you got that? Eccles: Yup! You want me to tell Neddy? Bloodnok: Curse! The wrong idiot! Neddy: What's this all about? Bloodnok: You may as well tell him now Eccles: Well, Neddy, when the warden comes in - Bloodnok: Whisper, you fool! Eccles: (shouting) Whisper you fool! (quiet) Oh yeah, it's a secret, yeah, the man says to whisper (whispers incoherently with sound effects, then speaks) You got that? Ray: I certainly have! Eccles: Oooooh! A sailor! I didn't see you in the dark Ray: That's hardly surprising! Bloodnok: You nincompoop, Eccles, take that and that and that FX: PUNCHING SOUND Eccles: Oooh! Neddy: Stop Major, it hurts me the way you're hitting him Bloodnok: Why? Neddy: You're hitting him with me! Bloodnok: Oh, but he's foiled the escape plan. We'll have to try again later Neddy: Yes Bloodnok: Good. Now to help us escape all we need is a little leather box, preferably a little Spanish Suitcase Neddy: Oh, I haven't got one Bloodnok: No case? Come now, dear lad, no Spanish Suitcase? Mr. Greenslade the porter delivered it from the Hotel Fred only this morning Neddy: Oh that! It wasn't mine so I sent it back Bloodnok: Knuckle me sombrero and Spanish me knuckles, sent it - Moriarty! He knew it was being sent back to the Hotel Fred that's why he wanted to get me in here. That's what it's all about! Neddy: What are we going to do? Eccles: 24 years ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK Wallace: I was sitting outside the Hotel Fred reading the Radio Times when I saw Count Moriarty and Senšr Grytpype Thynne approaching Grytpype: You're sure the suitcase was returned to the Hotel Fred? Moriarty: Why yes, the jailer told me Grytpype: Good man. Oh porter? Wallace: Yes sir? Grytpype: Where is the man who owns the hotel? Wallace: Oh, Senšr Crun, such a clever man, do you know he hasn't paid a peseta in tax since 1894? He's brilliant with figures Moriarty: Si, but where is he now? Wallace: He's in jail Moriarty: Jail? Wallace: They took him this afternoon Moriarty: Did he take anything with him? Wallace: Well not really, only an old Spanish suitcase ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK FX: JANGLING KEYS AND HEAVY PRISON DOOR OPENED Neddy: I'm innocent, I tell you, I'm completely innocent! Ray: Yes yes yes. Now move over, there's two more to join you - in you get! Moriarty: Gracias gracias Grytpype: After you, Moriarty Moriarty: Thank you FX: JANGLING KEYS AND HEAVY PRISON DOOR SHUT Bloodnok: Riddle me rudkins, that sounds like that double-crossing no-good naughty man Count Moriarty Moriarty: Calm yourself Blidnook. How many people are there in here? Bloodnok: There's Seagoon, me, Mr. Crun - Eccles: Me; I'm a member here! Neddy: What's this all about? I'm innocent I tell you Moriarty: Quiet! I know! Never mind now, Mr. Crun have you a suitcase? Henry: Yes here it is Moriarty: At last, give it to me Bloodnok: Take your foreign hands off it, I believe it's mine Moriarty: Yes, but the jewels inside they belong to all of us; we've all taken risks Bloodnok: Jewels? My dear chap, all that's in my suitcase is a change of underwear Grytpype: Yes, I think they're trying to bluff us Moriarty Neddy: Why don't you open the suitcase and find out? Grytpype: Good idea. Open it FX: ZIP OPENED Moriarty: Are there jewels inside? Bloodnok: Feel for yourself, all there is are Dennis's unmentionables, that's all. Here, feel the cardboard in the front of my dress shirt, there's nothing at all Moriarty: Then who's got the jewels? I'll find out - take that! FX: METAL TRAY HIT HARD ON SOMEONE'S HEAD Bluebottle: Aaaaaaay! Moriarty: Who are you? Bluebottle: Enter Spanish Bluebottle, with a Spanish audience Neddy: Little knobbly Spanish actor, what are you doing here? Bluebottle: I'm here to brighten up the script and to fight the dreaded Spanish- type bull. I'm not afraid of those needle-pointed horns - thinks: Yes I am! Moves left, strums Spittoon and does Caspitol dance Neddy: Little careless fracture, what do you know of the bull-fighter's art? Bluebottle: I have seen the picture "Blood and Sand" and I learnt one thing from that Neddy: What? Bluebottle: Ali Can knew what he was doing Neddy: But what about the bullfight? Bluebottle: If the bull charges to my right I run towards the matador, if the bull charges to my left I run towards the picadors Neddy: And if it rushed straight at you? Bluebottle: Then I run for the back-a-door, ha ha! Moriarty: Listen, little wreck, do you know anything about the jewels? Bluebottle: Hee hee hee! They have been stolen, but I have not got them all so shall we play another game? I don't like standing in the dark, you know, I don't like the dark standing. Feels out for my Cap-I- Tain Eccles: Ooooh! Bluebottle: Hee hee hee! Is that my friend? I knew you would be in here Eccles: Yeah, I knew I'd be in here too Bluebottle: I ran all the way to get here Eccles: Did you? Bluebottle: Yes Eccles: Oooh Bluebottle: Shall we go and play in the car park? Eccles: In the car park? Bluebottle: Yes, and then we can take all the number plates down Eccles: And the tyres Bluebottle: yes. I got 302 cars yesterday and - Neddy: I'm sorry little pink toreador Eccles: He's innocent! Neddy: But you'll have to stay here Bluebottle: My little captain has spoken. He's joking Moriarty: This is no joke, Bluebottle, we have not got the jewels and we are all encasseroled here forever Bluebottle: Tee hee! I don't like this game! Where are we? Ray: You're in jail, man, and the only person to get out of this jail was me Bluebottle: Go away you naughty man with the big keys, we can go home now can't we captain? Can we go home cap-i-tain? Eccles, Eccles, we can go home now if we want to can't we? Major Bloodnok? Dear little Major Bloodnok? Why don't we all go to the pictures, I don't like it here Neddy: I'll tell you why, little stringy stand-in, this is no play, this is the strongest jail in the world. There is no way out Bluebottle: You rotten Spanish onions you! You have trapped me into coming here. And I thought it as just a play we was acting. Now I can't go home! Moriarty: Shut up! Bluebottle: No Moriarty: Shut up! Bluebottle: I will not shut up! Moriarty: Shut up! Bluebottle: No. I will shout or my father, he's in the fire brigade. And he will come and rescue little Bluebottle. Moriarty: Shut up little Bluebottle! FX: FRYING PAN HIT ON SOMEONE'S HEAD Bluebottle: Ooooow! Moriarty: Take that Bluebottle: I've been Spanish nutted. Falls right into the ground holding dirty big lump on crust - doot-doot-doot-doot! Neddy: What are we to do? Heeeeelp! Eccles: No no no no no. That won't do any good, you know? You've got to use your brains. Neddy: We can't stay here for the rest of our lives! Eccles: No, we must get out. Neddy: Yes, but how? Eccles: I'll show you. Heeeeeelp! Henry: Well, if we're going to be here for the rest of our lives we might as well get comfortable. Eccles: Yeah Neddy: It's alright for you, a couple of weeks and you'll be out Moriarty: Caramba! I wonder who could have stolen the jewels? Who? Who? FX: LONE VIOLIN PLAYING A WOEFUL TUNE OVER SPEECH Neddy: 93 years went by Eccles: Do you think they've forgotten us? Neddy: And by now, we'd almost given up hope. Our only recreation was to climb up on each other's shoulders and look through a tiny crack in Eccles's head. We could see the harbour and occasionally a beautiful yacht which belonged to one of the newly rich families that lived in Spain - El Greenslade Grytpype: Rather a funny name for a yacht - it was called the Spanish Suitcase! ORCHESTRA: CLOSING THEME TUNE Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra as conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, he programme produced by Peter Eton. ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY THEM OUT