Series 5, Episode 24, Originally Broadcast 8 March 1955 The Yehti Wallace: This is the BBC Home Service Peter: Aaaaaajh! What's on the telly? Wallace: You will find the answer to that question in the Radio Times, price thruppence. Three copper coins, mark you, and by Jove, it has become so interesting I would much sooner settle down and read it than listen to the radio any day Harry: Didn't you once have a photograph in the Radio Times, Mr. Greenslade? Wallace: I did indeed, page 12, March the 14th 1935, and strangely enough I happen to have 4 copies on me now Harry: Well take them off and put a shirt on. The nation is standing by to hear you give them the old wireless talking there. The old posh chat there Wallace: Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen here is our usual warning to those of a nervous disposition, those without a nervous disposition and those still on the waiting list Harry: It's the esteemed Goon highly Show ORCHESTRA: TA DA Peter: That was the orchestra under the direction of Wally Stott. Arthur Crube first trumpet, Mervin Clap bugle, Hessykiar Pippstraw spoons, Fred Crint Chinese symbol, temple blocks and lace table-mats. The stool arranger was Herman Tigg. They have agreed, in conjunction with the NUR, to play the theme music of - Harry: The Yehti! ORCHESTRA: TA DA Harry: Why, it's a catchy tune, that, you know? Everybody will be whistling it tomorrow, you know? Omnes: whistles TA DA Wallace: Our scene opens in an upright, pre-fab on Carshalton Marshes. It's the home of Ned Seagoon: philosopher, scholar, friend and foe, unemployed, wedding cakes a speciality Neddy: I love my little home. And I like nothing better than to sit by my own fireside watching television in the next house but one. Yes, there's something to be said for thin walls. And one night in the middle of Quite Contrary" - yes it was "Quite Contrary" - I remember, because I was asleep at the time. Suddenly there was a knock at the door FX: KNOCKS ON PAPER DOOR, RIPS A LITTLE Neddy: Curse these pre-fabs. Come in! FX: DOOR OPENS Grytpype: I'm sorry, I appear to have put my foot through your door Neddy: That's all right, I'll get a bit of plaster Grytpype: No don't worry, I've only bruised my knuckles Neddy: I was thinking about the door (laughs to himself, clears throat) If I'd known I was having visitors I wouldn't have given the staff the night off you know. I doubt there is a maid left (laughs to himself) Pull up an orange box Grytpype: May I? Neddy: Yes, I'll stand Grytpype: I've been watching you for some time Neddy: Oh, have you? Grytpype: Yes, not a pretty sight. You are Ned Seagoon, unmarried, no family-ties, British, occupation, er - Neddy: I run my own business in the West End Grytpype: Oh yes, in Oxford Street isn't it? Neddy: Yes Grytpype: That's right, I bought a balloon off you Neddy: Yes you did. (Aside) As the man perused his notes I looked him up and down. He had a high forehead just above his eyes and an aquiline nose with a couple of nostrils at the bottom. His jacket was so beautifully cut and his trousers were torn as well Grytpype: Neddy - Neddy: He said Grytpype: - I've been thinking... Neddy: He paused Grytpype: Neddy - Neddy: He repeated Grytpype: I think you're our man Neddy: Me? Grytpype: He replied Neddy: But I don't understand! Grytpype: He vouchsafed. Don't you Neddy? Neddy :He proclaimed Grytpype: Then I said - Neddy: Are you with us Ned? To which I replied - Grytpype: Yes! Then I told him my name Neddy: I'm Hercules Grytpype-Thynne of the East Acton Geographical society - Grytpype: He said I said Neddy: he said I said - Grytpype: Goodnight, and out he went, while I settled down to watch telly in the next house but one Neddy: In order to learn more I went straight to the East Acton Geographical Society. Once there I enquired for Mr. Grytpype-Thynne Willium: He's not back yet, he went to lumber some charlie in Carshalton Neddy: I live in Carshalton Willium: I should go through, charlie, the meeting's just starting Neddy: And for the first time I entered inner-sanctum of the East Acton Geographical Society FX: DOOR OPENED Omnes: crowded meeting sounds Peter: Now me must have an experienced climber Spike: May I suggest Hilary? Peter: Yes, that's a good idea, suggest him Spike: What about Hilary? Peter: No. Any more suggestions? Harry: What about Sir John Hunt? Peter: Sir John Hunt? Has he had much climbing experience? Harry: He has that. Everest 1953 Peter: Everest 1 9 5 3 - good, I'll phone him later Neddy: If I may butt in, sir, perhaps I'm your man. My name is Ned Seagoon, I'm unmarried, no family-ties, British, and I'll go wherever it may be Moriarty: Ah, wait, are you by any chance the Monsieur from British Carshalton? Neddy: Yes Moriarty: Yes, this is definitely him. You have been chosen from thousands of charlies to bring back a Yehti, to-whit an abominable snowman Neddy: Leave it to me. I'll leave for the Himalayas first thing tomorrow. The mystery that has shrouded this creature shall remain a mystery no longer. (laughs to himself) The annals of history will ring with the fair name of Neddy Seagoon, the man who made possible research for the missing link. Remember the name, gentlemen, Ned Seagoon. (sings) For he's a jolly good fellllllow, and so say all of usssss! FX: KNOCKS ON DOOR Neddy: Yes? FX: DOOR OPENS Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you! Neddy: Hello Mr. Thynne, I got here Grytpype: Yes. Well now, as you probably would have been told, Yehti tracks were reported last week Neddy: Last week? But Yehti tracks were seen years ago Grytpype: In Yorkshire? Neddy: Yorkshire? Here in England? Grytpype: Yes Neddy: Oh that's different, I mean - Moriarty: Remember, the man who finds the Yehti will be rich Neddy: Then why don't you go? Grytpype: You see, Neddy, the Yehti is an unknown quantity, as yet(i). Rumour has it that a Yehti has the ability to take possession of your mind Neddy: Possession of my mind? Grytpype: What have you got to lose? Neddy: No no, I won't go! I won't! Yes, you can call me a coward if you like Moriarty: We will pay you £50 for one Yehti Neddy: How dare you call me a coward! I leave for Yorkshire at once GRAMS: WHOOSH, DOOR SHUTS Grytpype and Moriarty: (sings) April in Paris! Grytpype: Moriarty? Moriarty: Yes? Grytpype: If there's a Yehti on the Yorkshire Moors that charlie will bring it back Moriarty: And how much is a Yehti worth, again? Grytpype: Priceless, you can't get them you know Grytpype and Moriarty: (sings) April in Paris! Let's have some music! MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA Wallace: The Yorkshire Yehti, part 2, 3 days later; or part 3, 2 days later I really couldn't care less. Ned Seagoon was fighting his way through the terrible blizzard of '55 from Denshore across the Yorkshire Moors. The drifts were 15 feet high and snow was expected GRAMS: BLIZZARD Neddy: Oooh! I had to find Long Willie's Croft. This was a house on the lonely moors from which Yehti tracks had first been seen. On and on I stumbled through the inky darkness. First one leg and then the other which I found was the best way of walking. Then, when all seemed lost I saw a light - ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC DESCENDING LINK, LONE HARP Neddy: Yes! Long Willie's Croft. The man who gave me directions at Piccadilly Circus had been dead right FX: KNOCKS ON DOOR Neddy: Open the door! Minnie: Ooooh! It's the Yehti! We'll all be murdered in our beds! FX: KNOCKS ON DOOR Neddy: I'm not a Yehti! I'm Ned Seagoon. I'm a human Minnie: You'll have to prove it, buddy. Put a photograph of yourself through the letterbox Neddy: Where can I get a photo of myself at this time of night? Minnie: You can borrow my camera Neddy: Thank you FX: DOOR KNOB TURNED, CHAINS TAKEN OFF, OPENED, SHUT Minnie: I'll get the tripod and the black cloth Neddy: I can't take a photo when it's dark. I'll have to wait 'til morning Minnie: Ah, you'll have to see Henry Crun about that Neddy: Henry Crun? Minnie: That's his name. I think he's down in the coal-cellar getting the coal, you know? Neddy: Well you can't get the wood, you know? Minnie: You can't, ying-tong-iddle-I-pong Neddy: Good! Minnie: Good. I'll go and fetch Henry, oh dear dear Neddy: I'll come with you FX: FOOTSTEPS WALKING ALONG Neddy: Steady now Minnie: Hold on to me Neddy: Do you come here often? Minnie: Only in the spring FX: DOOR OPENED AND SHUT Neddy: (echoey room) Oh, I say! Sounds like a large coal cellar Minnie: Yes, it's a mile to the coal-face, you know? Henry? Henry? Neddy: Mr. Crun? I say, wouldn't it be better if I struck a match? Minnie: Mercy save us, no! The driver wouldn't like it Neddy: The driver GRAMS: TRAIN WHISTLE, COMES FLYING PAST Minnie: He's late again tonight Neddy: That was a train! Minnie: Yes, it's a busy time right now, you know? Neddy( (gulps) I remembered Mr. Thynne's words Grytpype: (evil echo) Take possession of your mind! Neddy: Oh no! Grytpype: (evil echo) Take possession of your mind! Neddy: Oh no! Grytpype: Your mind! Neddy: No! Grytpype: Your mind! Neddy: Heeeelp! GRAMS: WHOOSH Neddy: Ah, in two seconds I was up the stairs again. Was I losing my mind? Was this a trick of the fiendish Yehti? Henry: Ah, Mr. Seagoon Neddy: Mr. Crun, a train just ran through your cellar Henry: A train? My goodness, what time is it? Neddy: 12.56 Henry: Ooh quick! Open that door! FX: DOOR OPENS GRAMS: TRAIN WHISTLE, COMES FLYING PAST FX: DOOR SLAMMED Henry: The Mails must go through, you know? Neddy: Mr. Crun I must talk to you about the Yehti. Is there a room in the house that trains don't run through? Henry: Oh yes, in there Neddy: Thank you FX: DOOR OPENED GRAMS: SHEEP BAAING LOUDLY OVER SPEECH Neddy: Mr. Crun? Mr. Crun? I must tell you about the Yehti. It's very important! Mr. Crun? FX: DOOR SLAMS, GRAMS STOP Neddy: We can't talk in there Henry: No. I don't know who that lot belong to Neddy: Mr. Crun, now about this Yehti Henry: Yes, yes, I saw the tracks and - oh what time is it? Neddy: 12.59 Henry: Stand well back! Stand well back! FX: DOOR OPENED GRAMS: TRAIN GRINDS TO A HALT Henry: Well, good night Mr. Seagoon. Have a pleasant trip Neddy: Yes I will, thanks very much. But Mr. Yehti, I mean Mr Yehti about this Crun - Mr. Crun? GRAMS: TRAIN STARTS PULLING AWAY, CHUGS OVER SPEECH Neddy: What's going on here? Why have I been bundled on this train? What's going on? Bloodnok: I say! Neddy: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see you there Bloodnok: I say, are you the ticket inspector? Neddy: No Bloodnok: Then help me out from under this blasted seat, will you? Neddy: There you are, that's it FX: OVER STRUGGLE BITS OF METAL CRASH Neddy: There. I'm a tenor, you know? Bloodnok: The tenor's friend Neddy: Yes. My name is Ned Seagoon Bloodnok: Ned Seagoon? Well well well, what a coincidence! Seagoon! Yes of course, I remember. Didn't your father have a son? Neddy: Oh I never asked him about his private affairs Bloodnok: Seagoon, of course, of course, yes! I knew your father before you were born Neddy: I didn't Bloodnok: I wish you had, things might have been different. And, er, tell me, he left you all right did he? Neddy: Oh yes, I need never want Bloodnok: Splendid, splendid! Yes, yes lad! You know I always remember the look in your father's eyes when I lent him the money Neddy: What money? Bloodnok: Oh, laddie, there's no need for you to pay your father's debts, I won't hear of it! I mean, what's £20? Neddy: £20? Bloodnok: Oh don't worry about it, it will do in a moment, I'm in no rush Neddy: But I only brought a few pounds with me Bloodnok: Well if you insist I accept Neddy: But it isn't really mine to give, this is the reward money for the information regarding the Yehti Bloodnok: Murgle-me-rogers! You couldn't have come to a better man. I used to go to school with a Yehti Neddy: Yes? Good, good. Now tell me, are they tall and shaggy or squat with smooth skin? Bloodnok: Yes they are Neddy: Oh, and they walk up like humans and have the powers of telepathy and in actual fact they are the missing link, the step from animal to man in one direction while in another far higher in intelligence and having the ability to possess one's mind Bloodnok: Is there any more information I can give you? Neddy: Thank you, thank you no. You've given me enough to work on, you have indeed! Well here's the money and thanks once more. No, there's just one more question Bloodnok: Oh? Neddy: Where can I find this Yehti? Bloodnok: Well, before I answer that question I think, um, another couple? Neddy: Oh yes, yes. Here you are Bloodnok: Thank you Neddy: Now where can I find this Yehti? Bloodnok: I've no idea Neddy: But I've just given you some money Bloodnok: For information as to the whereabouts of the Yehti you must get off - here! Neddy: Wait! FX: DOOR OPENS GRAMS: TRAIN WHISTLE, COMES FLYING PAST Neddy: Aaaaaah! I was left in the pitch dark on the Yorkshire Moors. I was just about to run after the train when I felt a hand on my arm Eccles: Hello. Did you hear that, I got the sausages! I'll tell Bluebottle Neddy: Eccles! What are you doing here? Eccles: Same as you, waiting for Ray Ellington and his Quartet. That's a good introduction isn't it? MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET "Make Yourself Comfortable (baby) / Ready, Willing and Able" Neddy: That's better. Now Eccles, will you help me to find this Yehti? Eccles: How do we find it? Neddy: We have to find his tracks first. That shouldn't be difficult, they're about 18 inches long and 10 inches wide Eccles: Oh, nearly as big as mine Neddy: We start at once Eccles: Mr. Seagoon, can I bring a friend? Neddy: Friend? There's only one thing that can befriend Eccles and that is a Yehti! As casually as I could I asked him. He isn't about 12 feet tall with hair all over him, is he? Bluebottle: No I'm not. Enter Bluebottle with a smile and a song. Stands waist deep in snow, smiles grimly, jabs alpen-stock in to snow - ooh my foot! Eccles: This is my friend Bluebottle: Hello Eccles Eccles: Hello Bluebottle Bluebottle: Here we are again, this time on the Yorkshire Moors. Thinks: Here we are again, this time on the Yorkshire Moors Neddy: Now listen to me, icicle pants. Are you willing to join us on the search for the Yehti? Bluebottle: Yes, my cap-i-tain, I will join you. And Eccles will join us too, won't you Eccles? Forward! Moves forward, but feet are frozen to ground. Falls flat on face. Pretends to be examining track Neddy: And so we planned our search for Yehti tracks. After long discussion we decided that the best place to look was in the snow. Our search commenced Bluebottle: I say, Eccles? Eccles: Yeah? Bluebottle: How's your little pussycat getting on? Eccles: Fine, fine! It just had 6 puppies Bluebottle: Could I have one, Eccles? I would see that no one touches them for you. I will treasure it, I will Eccles: Okay then, you can have 2 of them Bluebottle: Tee-hee! 2 little bow-wows. Do you know what I will call them? I will call them Mick and Pat Eccles: Ooh, Mick and Pat! Ho-hum! I know a story about Mick and Pat Bluebottle: So do I (both laugh) Neddy: Eccles, Bluebottle, what's that? Bluebottle: Well you see, Mick goes to the doctors - Neddy: No no, look! Yehti tracks! Eccles and Bluebottle: Oooh! ORCHESTRA: 3 SINISTER DESCENDING CHORDS LINK Neddy: Those tracks led us to a disused farmhouse. The door was closed. It only remained for someone to go in and capture the Yehti Eccles and Bluebottle: panic Neddy: No, wait. Don't worry, I'll go. But first, I want you to do something Eccles Eccles: Yeah? Neddy: Just nip inside and see if the coast is clear Eccles: Okay. That's if we all go in together Neddy: Oh, we'll search the house. Leave the door open so we can dash out if needs-be FX: DOOR CREAKS AND SLAMS ORCHESTRA: SCARY CHORD HELD UNDER Neddy: I said don't close the door Eccles: I didn't close it Bluebottle: I didn't as well. I don't like this game, I want to go back to London town and see the pretty shops Neddy: We must try another way out FX: DOOR OPENED GRAMS: SHEEP BAAING FX: DOOR SLAMMED, GRAMS STOP Neddy: Curse it! More sheep Eccles: Where? Neddy: In that room. Did you hear them? Eccles and Bluebottle: No Neddy: You must have done, listen again FX: DOOR OPENED, LONG SILENCE Eccles: Oh yeah I can hear them now Bluebottle: Yes, so can I, I can really hear them, lots of sheepies FX: DOOR SHUT Neddy: But they weren't there that time. They weren't there, understand? I know, they've moved in to another room. That's it! They must be in here FX: DOOR OPENED GRAMS: WINDOWS BEING SMASHED FX: DOOR SHUT Neddy: No, that room's empty as well Eccles: Let's try this room here Neddy: Right FX: DOOR OPENED Neddy: Whoops! Sorry! Wallace: I should think so, too! FX: DOOR SHUT Neddy: Old Greenslade having a bath. Fancy meeting him. It couldn't be! Eccles, you open that door and tell me if I'm seeing things Eccles: Okay FX: DOOR OPENED GRAMS: FRED THE OYSTER (DONKEY NEIGHING, RASPBERRY) FX: DOOR SLAMMED Neddy: Who was that? Eccles: Fred the Oyster Neddy: Thank Heavens Eccles: Here, look, this door, it's marked "Eccles" Neddy: So it is Bluebottle: Ooh you lucky thing, Eccles. Your name on the door! Tee-hee! Are you going to go in? Eccles: Well, um, yeah. Good-bye fellows Neddy: Good luck, laddie FX: DOOR OPENED, SHUT Eccles: (on other side) Well... hello girls! Ho-hum! Thank you. Yeah, I'll have a piece of that chicken, yeah. Thank you, thank you, and a bunch of grapes. Yeah... oh girls! Girls, girls! Ooh! It's good to be alive! Bluebottle: Ooh, I wish I had a door with my name on it like that. Thinks: Eccles is a happy-go-lucky lad Neddy: Bluebottle, look! Bluebottle, this door has your name on it Bluebottle: Has it? Neddy: Yes Bluebottle: Oh yes. B L E N ... T M... Blumbintle. Yes, it has. Wipes mouth with shirt tail and prepares to enter for the good things of life. Speaks: Good-bye Mr. Seagoon, I hope that there will be a door for you too. Enters own door FX: OPENS DOOR, SHUTS IT GRAMS: EXPLOSION, METAL AND BRICKS FALL TO GROUND Wallace: And there we must leave the Goon Show for another - Neddy: No no wait, you can't leave me alone in this house with a Yehti. Help! You can't leave me. Let's have a happy end, Greenslade. Greenslade? Wally? Wallace: All right, don't fuss - Neddy: Where's the door marked "Neddy"? Bluebottle's door, Eccles's door - what's this one? (gulps) "The Yehti". What should I do? If I could capture it all my troubles would be over. But how? How can I find a crate big enough? Wait a minute, quick as a flash I had the answer. It was simple, lock the door (FX: KEY TURNED IN DOOR) and take the room to London. Ha-ha, I've got you! To London! ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC RISING LINK Peter: Gentlemen of the East Acton Geographical Society, it's two weeks now and still no word from Neddy about this Yehti - FX: KNOCKS ON DOOR Peter: Come in FX: DOOR OPENED Peter: Well well well, we were just talking about you Neddy: Well, I've got it. A Yehti. Help me to get this room in here Peter: Is the Yehti in there? Neddy: Yes, he's in there Peter: Don't bother to bring the room in, we'll come out Neddy: Right. Well, here it is. Now stand well back gentlemen, he may be armed FX: KEY TURNED Neddy: Now when I fling this door open be ready to grab him. Right! FX: DOOR OPENED QUICKLY GRAMS: TRAIN WHISTLE, COMES FLYING PAST Neddy: Aaaaaaah! ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eton ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY OUT